I was 23 when it happened. I was seeing and older man and had been for 7 months. We broke up but remained very good friends, he was my confidant, I thought of him as an older, wiser person I could confide in and seek advice from. At the time I’d just been told I was being made redundant from my job, I was very upset and needed consoling so I went to his house for a chat and a glass of wine.
I ended up falling asleep on the couch, and when I woke up I was in his bed with him on top of me. I froze and let it happen. Afterwards I called a cab and went home completely speechless and zombie like. I quizzed him the next day and asked why he did that, his words were ‘don’t you remember instigating it?’
I cut all contact from him from that moment on and didn’t tell a soul.
Since then, I have not had any relationships with men of any kind, I can’t bring myself to. And better yet I cannot bring myself to talk about it, I told my mum a year after and she asked why I was bringing it up if it was a year ago? So that conversation was swiftly ended and has never been spoken about since.
I feel alone and I feel as though he’s turned me into a monster. I drink excessively and regularly contemplate suicide as I believe it was my fault and If I hadn’t have had a drink and fallen asleep this never would of happened.
I can no longer see the good in anything or anyone.
– Lu
Frist off, you’re not alone. Your story is very similar to what happen to me. What happened to you is NOT your fault. It doesn’t matter if you went to his house, if you fell asleep on his couch and/or if you had been drinking or not, what he did to you was not okay. You went there for comfort from a friend, not to be raped. Don’t blame yourself for freezing and “letting it happen”. I also did the same thing when I was raped. This is a common response for many survivors; it’s your body response to a terrifying event. Just because you physically couldn’t fight back, it doesn’t mean you wanted it to happen. You are strong for sharing your story and you have a network of survivors like myself that are here for you. You are strong, you are beautiful.
Is not your fault!!!! What happen to you wasn’t expected, talking about what happened is gonna make you feel better. When I was raped, I froze too. I couldn’t move anything and I used to think I was fault.
You have to be strong and rise your head and confront your fears, that’s the only way of healing.
Dear Lu,
It is NOT your fault, you didn’t want to be raped by this man. It is not wrong, that you trusted this man.
The only thing what was WRONG, was HIS behaviour, NOT YOURS. He abused your trust.
MG is right. Just because you’re body was frozen, this does not mean, that you wanted to have sex, that you enjoyed it. It means, that YOU DIDN’T WANT it, it means, that HE was behaving WRONG AND DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS YOU.
You did the first step to cut off the power, he is having about you and this is so brave!!
You are speaking out the truth, talking about the rape and telling the world what he has done to you.
My best friend raped me years ago. He took advantage of my trust to rape me and I needed a long time to see, that I did nothing wrong.
Same to you! You are wonderful the way you are! You did nothing wrong! Stay strong and don’t let him having power about you!
Best wishes,
Anna