I was assaulted twice at the same party

I had just returned from a year of studying abroad, so my 3 best friends decided to throw a small party for me. I had just turned 17. It was a small party for close friends, and the cousin and a couple of his friends of my best friend. Through the night, I got quite drunk. I don’t remember how it happended, but I somehow ended up in a locked bedroom with a friend of the cousin (so I didn’t know the guy). He told me the others had locked us inside. I believed him, since I was quite drunk. I laid down on the bed, I told him, that I was just gonna sleep until they’d lock us out again. He didn’t listen. He started touching and kissing me, even though I kept saying I wanted to sleep. Then he fingered me. It hurt, and it wasn’t pleasurable at all. I didn’t do anything. I just gave up and laid still. I don’t remember how we got out of the room, the next thing I remember is that I was down stairs talking to my friends cousin. I didn’t show any romantic interest in him at all, but maybe he misunderstood. Again, I ended up in the same bedroom, he also made me believe that the others locked us inside of the room. I kept banging on the door to let me out, but nothing happened. So I just gave up, laid in the bed, and said I wanted to get some sleep. Same thing happened as before. He also made me touch him. He didn’t force me, but I felt very pressured so I just went with it. He kept asking me to have sex with him. I was a virgin, I really didn’t want to, especially since I didn’t like him at all. But I felt really pressured. I was locked inside of a room, I had nowhere to go. I also felt like had to. Because I’m a girl, and he’s a boy. I felt very overpowered (mentally), because of his status as a male. I kinda felt like it was his right to have sex with me. So we almost had sex. The only reason why it didn’f happen was because the police came (because of complaints from the neighbors) so everyone had to leave. I was so shocked. Everything went by so fast and I was so confused. Then I saw the door key laying on a table in the bedroom. That’s when I figured that the boys had locked the door and lied to me about it. I was so ashamed. I felt so stupid. I didn’t tell my friends.
A month later my bestfriend invited me to her cousins party. I did not want to go at all. But she kept begging for me to come, so I ended up going. I still remember meeting the two guys at the party. They were laughing about the whole thing. Asking who were better etc. I was so ashamed.

Now it’s exactly a year since his incident happened. I completely forgot about. I think I wanted to forget it so bad, that I actually forgot about it. But even tho I forgot about it, I know that it has effected me.

For the past year, I get really scared if I end up in a situation with a guy, that is leading to sex. Even if I really want to have sex with a certain guy, I always got so scared. I didn’f know why, since I didn’t remember this incident at all.

I’m not sure why I suddenly remember it. But now I think about it all the time. When I’m awake and when I’m sleeping, it’s always on my mind.

I talked with one person about the incident. They were very helpful. Telling me that I was a victim, that it was assault, and it wasn’t my fault.

I’m still ashamed. I’m starting to see the incident as assault, but I still blame myself. I also don’t know if this was rape or just assault.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust guys again.