I don’t remember it or how old I was but in fact I try and block it from my memorise, desperately trying to forget that it ever occured. All I remember was my mum telling me a couple years later a small detail from an incident that happened to me when I was around 3 years old.
I was on holiday with my family when my mum decided to pull me over to have a talk, she made sure no else could listen in, especially my brother. She told my that my dad had touched me were he should have not touched me while I was in the bath and that my brother had to watch. At the time I slightly understood but not properly, it helped my understand why my parents always fought, or why once when I was in an argument with my mum she said at least she did not pass me around.
I am 14 now and it starting to make sense why when I was little my mind was already plagued with perverted thoughts, how I was sent to special therapy lessons or how the doctors had to exam me and I had to talk to the police. It made sense how as I grew older I convinced other girls to show me their privates, how I was drawn to the abuse other of people, or that I involved myself in sexual activities by the age of 10 or 11
We do not speak of the incident and I am sure my brother does not know what happend. My mum told me that when I was older she would tell me the whole story, but I do not want to know. I have a good relationship with my Dad, as I understand why he did it, with him being molested as a child and his whole family refusing to accept, it will mess someone up.
I wish I never knew what had happened to me.
Survivor – everything that has happened to you is NOT your fault!! And it happens very often! You are not alone ever ! You absolutely have to talk to someone about how you feel and what is happening to you, a counselor, a therapist, this site has many numbers. You are NOT to blame! You deserve a good life and your best life and that is what you will have ! There is an accepted idea – that tragedies go down generations – that means – yes, a sin – a bad action done by a dad or mom can keep happening down generations — BUT — BUT — YOU- SURVIVOR GIRL!!! – YOU can scotch this, you can STOP it! Literally Forever! For you and everyone you love ! You are strong and good, you will do what’s right! stay strong and keep us posted !
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I completely understand why you might wish you might wish you’d never found out what happened but I hope – so much – that knowing what happened will give you something to work through. It sure as heck isn’t fun and it can be really hard but I would encourage you to ask your mom if she will take you to therapy. It sounds like you might have already done some but it’s really important to talk about it with someone and work through it (if your mom won’t talk about it, you can still have an outlet). It’s true that abuse is systemic and that people who are abuse tend to abuse… but that DOES NOT make what your dad did to you ok!!! I’m not judging your relationship with him but please don’t repress anything you’re feeling. You also shouldn’t have to hear the full story until you’re ready so use your voice and tell your mom if she tries to tell you and you’re not ready. You are so strong and brave and I’m so proud of you. Love, Alexis