just wanted to post this because I don’t know what to think or why I’m even still thinking about this. And I guess I just wanted someone to tell me what I’m supposed to think about this situation.
I invited someone over to my house to hang out. We had met online a few weeks before and hooked up (had sex). Afterwards he kept contacting me saying he wanted to hook up again. How much fun he had. How badly he wanted to see me again. I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to hook up with him again, and I really don’t like disappointing people so I didn’t tell him that I didn’t want to see him again, I just decided to ignore it. He still kept texting me.
Finally, I realized how badly I needed money and that maybe this would be a way I could make some. A one-time thing. And I know it was probably a bad decision, and I’ve never thought about doing anything like that before and I didn’t even think I would be capable of doing something like that, but I really needed money and I thought maybe I could do it. So I finally responded to him and told him I would hook up with him again if he paid me. I really needed money! I know everyone thinks “there must have been some other way you could make money, come on”. But I had a lot of reasons why this was something that made more sense and was one of the only options I had. Really.
Anyway, when I told him that he said no, he had paid for sex before and he wasn’t going to do it again. So I said that’s fine but that was the only way I would hook up with him. He still kept texting me. I still kept giving him the same answer. Every. Time. I told him I would only do it if he gave me money. Period.
One time after he texted me, I said that he could come over and hang out but that we were NOT going to hook up. I put it in all capital letters. I said, I still have the same conditions. If he wouldn’t pay me we would not hook up. But I had been studying all day for weeks and I wanted a break and thought it would be nice to hang out with someone. So I told him he could come over and he was really excited and came over a few hours later. We had some drinks. And he likes to smoke so he smoked and even though I don’t like to I took one hit. And in total I think I had about 2 shots and 2 mixed drinks. Although I could be wrong. I do know that I was having a good time that night. But at some point my memory stops. Completely gone. I woke up the next morning on the couch with only a t-shirt on and nothing else. There was blood on the floor, a puddle of blood. And a little more blood around. And I was sore, aching and bleeding (from two places, if you can understand what I’m saying). And I just don’t remember what happened. He wasn’t there. But he had apparently slept upstairs in my bed.
And when he came down he told me that we had hooked up that night. I didn’t remember it at all. I asked him about money and he said he wasn’t going to pay me. That he told me that last night when we were hooking up and that I said it was fine. But I told him that he knew I would only hook up with him if he paid me. And that he hurt me. And he said that well, I knew he wasn’t going to pay me so I shouldn’t expect him to. I thought it wasn’t fair. I all of a sudden felt really empty and used. But I don’t know, I could just be being ridiculous. I felt like he knew after all of those times I texted him, that I didn’t want to hook up with him unless he paid me. And I told him that he hurt me. Like really hurt me. He said he didn’t know he hurt me. I asked him what about the blood on the floor and he said he knows and that it’s probably from when he “rammed” me. I asked him why he did that. He basically said that he thought I could take it. I said how could you not know you were hurting me if you saw how much I was bleeding? He said I couldn’t expect him to know what I was thinking and feeling. I hurt so much it was hard for me to walk that day. Even just standing up hurt. I don’t know how to explain it, I just hurt inside. Physically. And the next day I had really really bad cramps.
I don’t know I just feel stupid and so embarrassed. I wish I could remember. I’ve “browned out” before but it took a lot of alcohol and I was really hungover the next day. I don’t think I’ve blacked out like this before and I wasn’t even hungover.
One of my friends said this was rape. But I don’t know. I was raped before. A few months ago, when I was on vacation, I was raped and robed on the beach. But for some reason this circumstance is bothering me more.
Because what if he is telling the truth? That I wanted it and that I agreed to him not paying me? Can someone please tell me if I did something wrong? Did he do something wrong? Or did neither of us do anything wrong?
When I told my therapist, she said there is no “right or wrong” in this situation. And I don’t know why, but that confused me so much. I guess I’m just confused because it seems like if someone gets hurt then usually something went wrong. Like some one either did something wrong intentionally or made a mistake.
So if there was no right or wrong in this situation does that mean it’s just kind of like a car accident that was no one’s fault? Sometimes only one car or one person gets injured but there is no one to blame. Is that what happened here? Or is it something that I could be blamed for? Because I invited him over. Is it unfair of my to be annoyed at him for not paying me?
My therapist said that sometimes things just don’t work out how we expect and bad things happen. But there is no right or wrong.
Can someone please help me understand that? Anyone? Thank you. And sorry.
— Survivor, age 29
The “money” aspect of this does not matter at all. It sounds like he drugged you, and there is NO question that he raped you and he did it in a very violent way. He did it on purpose, it was premeditated and he drugged you because he knew you would not consent. Your therapist is not on the mark. You are not wrong,but he is very very wrong and evil even. No it’s not like an accidental car crash, it was NOT an accident. And you are not required to say YOU are sorry because you have nothing to be guilty of – the CRIMINAL does.We all – and you also need to do whatever we can to protect ourselves from predators like this. You are very brave to be talking about this but try to get another therapist!
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story. First of all, there is no judgement on the money thing. It made sense at the time and you did the best you could. That doesn’t give ANYONE permission to do anything without your consent. Nor does inviting someone over or going to someone’s house or drinking.
I rarely say this but I’m not sure I agree with your therapist. I suppose it’s possible he didn’t realize how drunk you were and that you couldn’t really consent… but that doesn’t make what he did ok. That is, you still didn’t consent and you were still violated. And your therapist’s goal should be to help you heal from what you’re feeling (which is completely valid), not to decide who was right or wrong. There are no fair or unfair feelings – what you’re feeling is what you’re feeling and is valid and you need to work through it and process it. If your therapist will not work through these things with you, it might be worth trying another one just to see what it’s like. You could also look for a rape crisis center in your area where there are counselors who specialize in these situations. But what happened isn’t your fault and you deserve to heal. I believe you can and I’m sending you all my love and support!!! Alexis