Not even sure where to start even though I have told my story before.
From ages 1 to 7, I was sexual abused by my father. My uncle also sexual abused me last time when i was 12. I was date raped at age of 20. I am 47 years old now and when my son was born in 1995, it all started to come back to me. I have been working very hard since to make my son and my life livable. I could write how hard it has been, but for now want to make it clear that it still happens. I mean my dad denies it all, and I never confronted my uncle. Every time he does, it feels like the rape is going on again. My sister was the one how came to me saying she always remembered. But 2 years after she said it wasn’t true and took her words back.
Now I am an outcast in the family and it makes life very hard for me. So how can you go on even if you attacker says he didn’t do it? Is it possible? I’ve been going at this for 18 years, and a lot of the times I have to fight just to stay here. This has affected ever thing in my life. What I hate most of all is that it had a negative effect on my relationship with my son. Well that and the fact that it is very hard for me to have a relationship with a man.
As a child I remembered my commitment with Spirit and knew this was happening to a lots of kids. I knew as a child it will destroy your life completely and how unfair that is to me t start life in such a hell and then the rest of you days are hell. The idea I had as a child was to deal with it in such a way that it would not stand in the way of me being happy.
I am still working on that, specially the last 3 weeks. I don’t feel a purpose to my life and it bring me down so much that I don’t want to be here. The only reason why I haven’t killed myself is because I believe it will set me back instead of making me go forwards.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story. It must feel terribly lonely trying to deal with this on your own, especially when you still have to be around your dad and uncle. Of course they will deny it. They are manipulative liars. Don’t doubt yourself, though, and don’t discount the way that you feel.
Many people go through situations like yours, myself included, and don’t talk about it. That is what is so great about this film, that it encourages us to not stay silent and not to feel ashamed. You didn’t do anything wrong. I understand how unfair it is to feel all of the pain from something that happened to you as a child, that you had no control over or any real understanding of. The people who were supposed to protect you hurt you and let you down.
Do you have a local rape crisis center or YWCA? Can you research some organizations in your local area? These organizations can be very helpful. I know it’s uncomfortable to reach out to total strangers but it will help if you can talk to someone who will listen and wants to help. Please do look into it.
I agree that this kind of abuse creeps into every aspect of your life and it can be all-consuming. It’s very hard. But I do think that if you can find an organization in your local area, it will help you get in touch with some resources. Let me know if you’d like to talk further.
There is also a Facebook page for the film and there are discussions going on there, as well. I am not on Facebook but please post again if you’d like to talk.
Take care,
Debra