I don’t know why I’m writing this here, I probably should have written it in my diary like I use to.
I was sexually assaulted when I was a child, molestations most times, attempted gang rapes sometimes. I succeeded in blocking out the memories throughout my teenage years but the signs were always there. Like how I can’t hold eye contact and how hugs makes my heart sink to the lowest portion of my stomach. I can’t sit in a room or car full of guys without wanting to run for my life.
Without the memories, I don’t feel pain nor happiness, I feel numb most times. This saw me through my teenage days and I was fine. But last year, things got a little out of hands and most times I was depressed. A Safe Place was recently opened in my community where people with mental illness come together to talk and get help. I joined and everything was going well.
Some days ago, I watched a stage play with my girlfriends and a rape scene was shown. While others saw the joke in the scene, I was stuck and couldn’t get the scene out of my head, my memories came rushing back and I just blacked out.
Since then, I still can’t shake it off and I’m scared I may never be able to pull myself out this time around.
I may sit in bed all day for weeks and may not show up for things the normal me will do.
I’m tired of the ups and downs. I’m tired of trying to heal and be torn upside down by something as small as a movie scene or a familiar voice.
I know somehow I will get myself back up, I just thought I will feel less crazy if someone else reads this.
— Survivor, age 19
you are very strong and anyone who says otherwise is stupid! ive gone through something too, not as bad as yours but yeah i know what youre going through and i know its not okay but always remember that youre brave, youre bigger than those guys who have no brains and remember that someone will come along the way and make you feel safe again, mak you feel safe in your own skin.
you are very strong and anyone who says otherwise is stupid! ive gone through something too, not as bad as yours but yeah i know what youre going through and i know its not okay but always remember that youre brave, youre bigger than those guys who have no brains and remember that someone will come along the way and make you feel safe again, make you feel safe in your own skin.
You are so young but so strong. This is a fight you will fight but know that you are not alone. What happened is not your fault at all. Seek out counseling as you work through this and find a support system. I know for me I dove into music, art, doing physical activities to help release the anger I felt in a safe way. The music I would sing loud to gain a voice and express what was in me. I am very guarded in who I let touch me let along hug me. There are safe people with safe hugs. We are in a time in this world where women are speaking up so you are going to hear and yes be triggered, but as you hear and listen to others tell their story, you will see and find you are not alone and this is your support. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. I am proud of you for speaking out on here.
Dear survivor – I’m so glad you posted this here. Your diary is a great place to write and you can write there too, but sometimes there is something about knowing that someone else is “listening” – or reading in this case – that just has a different effect. Can you have a full and healthy and happy life with those memories? I think so. It’s not easy. It takes work – like you’re doing – and time. I think there will probably always be those memories and triggers, but you CAN push through them. If you’re not already, I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what’s going on. They can help guide you through ways to cope with triggers that can make them easier when they spring up. I hope you’re feeling “less crazy” as you wrote. For what it’s worth, your post didn’t read to me as crazy – you’re doing great. Love, Alexis