t’s been 5 years since I last saw you. 5 years since I found you on a Christian dating website. We had been on one date previous to that night. You invited me over for your birthday party, I went, even though the forecast showed extreme rain and hail. I spent about 3 hours with you and your friends; I was starting to fall for you. When you walked me out to my car, you kissed me very deeply, and I hate to say I enjoyed it. I kissed you back and pretty soon we were in a full blown make out session. You pulled open my passenger door and pushed me on the seat. I tried to get back up but you held me down. You were so much bigger and stronger than I was. As I started to cry, saying that I didn’t want to do this, you shook your head and laughed. I pleaded for you to let me go, but you didn’t. You had one hand pinning my chest down and the other pulling down your pants. You pulled my shorts aside and forced your way in. I could barely breathe and couldn’t stop crying. I hated you. When you finished, you pulled your pants up, got in your car, and left. Left me in my car crying and in pain. I finally encouraged myself to sit up and move to the drivers side. I was an hour and a half away from home, and it had begun to pour down rain. I started to drive off, numb from what had just happened. After I had been driving for a bit I pulled over on the highway shoulder, and began to cry in hysterics. I kept telling myself it was my fault, and even to this day I believe it. You ruined me. You ruined my self esteem, how I look at myself. I went into a major depression and tried to end my life because of you. You still haunt me, 5 years later. I have a fiancé now, and the weight of what you did to me still hangs over my head. But I refuse to let you ruin this relationship. You don’t deserve that much credit.
— Survivor, age 25
Survivor – what happened was NOT YOUR fault!! Being a religious person myself I have encountered people who USE religion to get people to let their guards down while they harm them, I have been thru that. And no – you do not owe a guy sex because you kiss him. Never ever ever. A guy is not owed sex ever, it’s a consensual choice BOTH people make, and it does not matter if you kiss him, or where you may be curious and let him touch you, or if you like him, or ANYTHING – NO means NO. Guys no longer have any excuse, 30 years ago they might be able to say – well I did not understand – but NOT TODAY with ME TOO and NO MEANS NO. YOU Survivor did the right thing! You TOLD him you DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I am making the assumption he was a not from a foreign country and understood the English language. It was brave of you to try to stand up to him, but of course he was bigger and stronger so he was successful in committing his crime. BUT – I am so glad you have a loving fiance – you CAN heal from this crime against you, you do need to talk to someone, a professional therapist or counselor, you are not alone ! Your feelings are very normal and valid – God has a plan for you and this world needs good hearted people like you. Let all of us who care about you try to take some of the weight from you, then it will be less ! You deserve AWESOME self esteem, you deserve everything good and I hope you take it because we are all on your side! Stay strong ! Your courage will help all the rest of us!!
Thank you so much❤️ It feels better to talk about it.
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What happened to you was NOT your fault. It’s ok that you enjoyed kissing him; that was a consensual encounter. You didn’t know what he was about to do to you. You told him to stop and it doesn’t matter that you were enjoying the kissing or were starting to fall for him or went to his party. You said no and the guilt and the shame should be on him. I know it’s really hard to feel that way but from an outsider I feel that so strongly.
Still being haunted by what he did is normal and I definitely don’t think it has to ruin your relationship with your fiance. I would really strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist about how what happened is impacting your self esteem and your current relationship. You deserve to heal completely from what happened but I think that is really most possible with help from someone with training in doing this. But I do know this – you deserve to heal and be happy and I am sending lots of love to you and your fiance. Love, Alexis