Three things happened in my life. When I was younger I was molested by 3 men in my life, all family. I still blame myself till this day. Every touch, every word so powerful. I grew up a messed up girl from that. Move forward to the future, on April 23, 2017 I invited a friend over, someone I had trusted but I was naive because I didn’t know him crazy long. He forced himself upon me, I said, “no get off”. he pulled my pants down, and I tried to pull them up, he was too strong. He put his wait on me and I told him I was dating someone I can’t do this get off me. “I’m not cheater, I said no now get off.” I said. He told me I wanted it and he knew it. I told him no I really don’t. He needed to leave. He raped me and I told him time to leave. I laughed as he left pretended like everything was fine but that night tried to take my life with 107 pills. I ended up in the hospital. It wasn’t funny. They let me go and a few days later I started cutting again after a while of doing so fine. He messed me up. Not even a year year, December 29, 2017 my best friend died. Of course right before my birthday. I was depressed wouldn’t leave the house. On January 5th one of my very good friends of 7 years took me out for the second time to a bar and that time I happened to blackout out. Although I must state when I was sober I told him whatever happens I do not want to have sex. Do not touch me I will never with him I don’t see him that way and he agreed. I woke up in random moments and one with him in me and one t the end. He told the police I said yes, but we all know even if I said yes I was drunk and I said no when I was sober. There wasn’t enough evidence and they let him go. today is the third month and i’m still hurting and crying and I forgive them but I will never be the same. I made the mistake for not reporting the first rape and I report the second and I have no support now.
— Kortney, age 21
Dear Kortney – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First of all. April 23rd is coming up so I want you to know that you’ll be in my heart on that day and I hope you are coping with this time of year as best you can. Anniversaries can be so hard.
I’m so glad that you are still alive and you have been through so much. I know 3 months can feel like FOREVER but I’m not surprised you are still hurting and crying. It’s a lot to process and so much to heal from and it takes time. You might never be the same person you were but I do believe you can heal. I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist. You have been through so much and your emotions must be overwhelming at times. While self harm is not an uncommon reaction to sexual assault, a therapist can help you develop other ways to cope with what you’re feeling. And a therapist is someone who can support you when you feel alone. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you love! Love, Alexis