I was barely 17. Living on my own and fairly naive. Had a job at chicfila in Clayton Georgia USA. He was 36. Ex con. Jehovah’s witness and my boss. He raped me repeatedly over the course of two years. Forced anal when I said no. Choked me unconscious and took what he wanted when I couldn’t defend myself. If I tried to defend myself it only made it worse. I’m 5’4″ 120lbs. He was 3x my strength. He told me he could and would kill me. Forced me to cheat on my boyfriend when I said I didn’t want to. I was afraid to tell anyone because he was so loved I knew I would lose my job and not be able to get another one as it was a small town and he knew many people. His name was Erick.
I finally moved states and now live in a secure military base with my fiance. My rapist threatened to follow me and find me. I blocked him on everything but he makes fake accounts and follows me on them. It’s been a year and he contacted me just a few days ago on another fake profile.
He has never been brought to justice. And I have never told anyone but my fiance. I have no proof.. Idk if anyone will believe me. But i know I’m not the only girl he did it to. And I know I was not nor will be the first or the last girl he rapes at that job.
I wish it had never happened
I feel so dirty. I lost my virginity to a 36 year old married man in rape….
— Amanda, age 20
Here’s the thing, Ms. Amanda. You are not dirty, being raped does not make you dirty or weak or any of the things you feel you are. You have done nothing wrong, so you’re not the dirty one. Your rapist is. Don’t be afraid to tell people, they can’t do anything to you. You have nothing to be afraid of ashamed of. And of course it shouldn’t have happened to you, it shouldn’t happen to anyone but you are not at fault for this. Also, rape cannot take your virginity because you lose your virginity when you have sex for the first time and rape isn’t the same thing as sex. The fact that you can talk about this after such a short amount of time is amazing. It must take a lot of strength and courage to tell people, even anonymously. Do whatever it takes to heal, spend time around people you trust enough to tell who will help you heal. Deal with your emotions, don’t ignore them or push them away. Take really good care of yourself, and if you haven’t already, please get professional help for this. This will help you a lot, I promise. It will help you heal and you deserve to heal. Everyone deserves to heal. Remember you’re not alone in this, you’ll always have support from your fiancé and every survivor out there. Never lose hope, this will be really difficult but you’ll make it through this and you’ll be 100% okay in the end.
Dear Amanda – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First of all I want you to know that I BELIEVE YOU! I totally get feeling dirty and weak but please know that’s not how I see you. I see a strong woman who was able to move on in the face of so much.
I hope that your fiance has been supportive but dealing with all of that by yourself is so much. I would encourage you to find a support network, maybe starting with a therapist or a professional. You might also consider telling a friend or a family member who you really trust. Telling can be really hard but it can help lift the weight you’re carrying. They might also be able to help advise you on ways to block him further or, if it’s something you want, on reporting. You don’t have to report – it’s a very personal decision – but it’s worth talking through. No judgement. One thing to think about – it’s my opinion that rape isn’t cheating. You didn’t consent and no one should hold you at fault for that. There’s no official definition or anything but I just wanted you to hear that. Maybe think about it.
I believe you can heal from this. Sending you love and support, Alexis
Dear Amanda – You are NOT dirty, you are the opposite of that – you are good hearted and hard working and a good person. I am heartened to know that you have a supportive fiance. The criminal Erick is stalking you. You do not have to put up with this.This predator stalking you shows how evil he is. IF you feel it may help – be sure to document all his stalking activity because in the future you may decide to take action. Any action you take, or not, is 100% your power, your decision and your control. {{ Just a rant on my part – I and numerous friends have worked for Chick-fil-A in Tx and they would SO fire this guy the door would not have time to smack his toosh}}
Please try, if you make the decision, to to talk to a therapist or counselor, you are so brave to tell your story and help other survivors!