Lotus

For my 23 birthday I wanted to do something special for myself, and let go of what holds me back. In the last year so many things have happened and changed me as I am. I’m done hiding something that doesn’t define me, that wasn’t my fault. At the young age of 7 years I was raped multiple times. It occurred under my fathers “supervision”, he got drunk and passed out. Giving the monster the perfect opportunity to rape me. This said monster was non other but my fathers stepbrother.
I remember everything he did to me. How he smelled, and the look he had in his eyes. It is forever scarred in my memory and body. It happened over the course of two years.
The last time I was ever sexually assaulted I was eight and was gang raped by three men. Once again under my fathers “supervision”. They took turns sharing me, nothing more than an object for their satisfaction. I remember hoping my father would come and save me, but he never did. I never want to feel like that again. So powerless.
I’m so tired of hiding this like it defines me. Feeling so dirty, damaged, broken and not deserving of being loved by anyone. I’ve pushed everyone off to a distance, all because I feel guilty over something I had no control over; that wasn’t my fault. I won’t let it control me anymore, I won’t give them more space in my life. I am deserving of beautiful things. I want to learn to forgive them, to be able to give myself the peace I need to heal.

— Stephanie, age 23