Like many people that wrote here I too had kept this for years. I’m not sure if this is a memory or a dream but it always haunts me. I had never shared this to anyone.. And I mean not a single one. I hope this would make me feel better.
I was still in grade school, always playing with my neighbors. One day at one of my neighbor’s house I remember I was playing with my guy friend with paper dolls next thing I remember his big brother is on top of me, i remember not feeling anything and blank, i can’t remember anything else except my guy friend now is on top of me still feeling nothing and blank again.
The only thing that I am sure in this memory is my mom washing me down there and it is aching so bad.
At my teenage years I had trouble having a boyfriend and I am always behind this wall of confusion. Why I hate guys so much, why I don’t want to be hugged until I finally had sex with the one I love then this memory or dream always appear. I felt a guilt, anger, confusion. And up till now I still don’t know how to make it stop.
I am now married and not able to have a child still, maybe its because of me. I don’t know.
— Survivor, age 27
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting here. I hope so much that you did feel a sense of relief in sharing your story here. The guilt, anger, and confusion you feel are normal but you did nothing wrong and anything that happened to you was NOT your fault!! I’m not an expert but I think one way to make what you’re feeling stop is to open up to people. You could try a rape crisis hotline or a counselor or a therapist – or maybe a friend or family member you trust. Remember that you are in COMPLETE control of who you tell what – you can tell parts of your story as you feel ready. But a therapist can help you sort through all of your emotions and help you navigate life as you move forward. You deserve peace and healing and I believe you can find it. It’s not easy and not linear – but I believe in you. Lots of love, Alexis