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Memory or a dream?

Like many people that wrote here I too had kept this for years. I’m not sure if this is a memory or a dream but it always haunts me. I had never shared this to anyone.. And I mean not a single one. I hope this would make me feel better.
I was still in grade school, always playing with my neighbors. One day at one of my neighbor’s house I remember I was playing with my guy friend with paper dolls next thing I remember his big brother is on top of me, i remember not feeling anything and blank, i can’t remember anything else except my guy friend now is on top of me still feeling nothing and blank again.
The only thing that I am sure in this memory is my mom washing me down there and it is aching so bad.
At my teenage years I had trouble having a boyfriend and I am always behind this wall of confusion. Why I hate guys so much, why I don’t want to be hugged until I finally had sex with the one I love then this memory or dream always appear. I felt a guilt, anger, confusion. And up till now I still don’t know how to make it stop.
I am now married and not able to have a child still, maybe its because of me. I don’t know.

— Survivor, age 27

1 comment

  • Alexis


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