Multiple Assaults

When I was a child I was assaulted by my mother’s boyfriend for months. I told no one because he beat my mom and told me if I said anything he would kill her, so I kept quite for years. I was an adult when I finally told anyone and my mom was the first person I told. I wasn’t sure if she would believe me but she did. That wasn’t the only news I to tell her. When I was 16 I went to a hotel party we were drinking and met some older guys that wanted to move the party to their room so we did. My friends left me in their room alone with two guys. I said I didn’t feel so good so one of them told me I could lay down on the bed. I passed out and when I came to one of them had taken all my close off and was on top of me. Touching me kissing me inside me. I looked around the room and his friend was sitting in a chair near the bed watching. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. My friend came back to the room to get me but i t was to late he was done. My mom did find out about that by reading my diary, so she made me an appointment with a doctor and the nightmare continued an exam and STD testing. I couldn’t remember their names so I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt so alone and that I had the word victim or rape me wrote on my forehead. I had never had sex with anyone. I met my son’s father during the testing and told him what had happened, he seemed to be understanding and compassionate. Boy was I wrong after a year or so of dating we finally decided to make love. The first time was not how i imagined it. I had a flashback and he stopped, from then on I had to have the lights on and my eyes open. Things were good for a little while, then he started making undress for his friends I felt so degraded. Then the physical abuse started. He would throw me across the room and shake me. I thought I could change him and we had a child and got married. We moved away from my family and friends where he was the only person I had to depend on. The abuse changed to emotional, verbal and sexual. I felt like I was not worthy of anyone other than him and that no one would ever want me. He controlled what I wore how I did my hair and make up, where I could go, when I could go. He would make me have sex even if I said no. He said I was his and I did what he said when he said. I didn’t know a husband could rape a wife so I said nothing and did as I was told. I would cried the first month or so every time he raped me then I got to where I would go somewhere else in my mind. I did not believe in divorce so I stayed. I finally left when he started abusing my son. I still to this day don’t understand why it happened multiple times me? I still have flashbacks when seeing rape or assault on TV and there has to be a light when I make love to my fiance. He is a good man and understands what I have been though. I still go to therapy to this day and struggle every day but I got help and I can function as normal as possible.