I am sorry if my English isn’t that good. I am from Belgium and English isn’t my “main” language…
I was 11 when I made the most horrible experience in my life.
I had some friends, not a lot, I was very leery and I chose my friends very carefully.
Even though I chose them carefully, one of them hurt me so much that I completely lost the trust to myself. I am still struggling with myself until today.
He was a boy, some years older than me. My mother had a best friend, living a 15 minutes walk away from our house and she had a son. Daniel, who just turned 14. We were spending some our free time together. I would say that I liked him, but I never fell in love with him.
At this time a lot of girls were kissing other boys. Nearly everyone except me. Me who has been always leery and careful. I thought, I would wait for the right one, the one I am going to spend my whole life together with, because I didn’t wanted to “give” my body to someone that I didn’t really love.
Daniel and I, we spent some hours together, having fun, playing computer games, laughing. I don’t know why but I was laying on my bed, Daniel next to me. Suddenly he was on me.
I felt uncomfortable and I was scared. He had never done anything to me, he didn’t try to kiss me, he didn’t touch me, I mean, there was nothing that could have warning me.
But now he was on me, starring me directly into my eyes and I knew what he wanted. I asked him if he was sexually aroused and he said “yes”. I asked him because I thought that I would maybe misread his behavior. After I asked him that, he put his right hand on my mouth. I remember myself screaming “no” and trying to pull him off but he was stronger. He was still looking into my eyes while getting our clothes off, I was crying very quite and I knew what was going to happen.
Daniel raped me. I don’t know how long it took him to finish.
He didn’t use a condom and I am lucky that I wasn’t pregnant after this happening.
When I am remembering the situation, I can see myself onto my bed, my head gets hurt by the iron bars of my white bed, because every time Daniel raped me again, my head knocked against the iron bars and made me having a real bad headache.
The next thing I remember is taking a shower for more than three hours. A hot, hot shower.
The next day I was listening to music which was far too loud. I closed my dorm room door, l had been lying on my cold floor and crying for many, many hours.
No one asked for the reason. My parents ignored me.
I met Daniel several times again. I simply forgot the rape for many years, saving myself from hurting me.
Daniel told me some years later that he would be gay.
I never asked “why”. I never went to the police, knowing that Daniel wouldn’t be punished.
I am struggling with myself, with my body, with my mind until today.
— Anna
Anna,
Thank you for sharing your story here. Rape can leave lasting scars that survivors must live with for a very long time. The struggle you speak of can feel very isolating and lonely, especially when the one’s you love don’t know, don’t understand, or don’t ask.
I can assure you that you are not alone and there are resources available to you that can help you to deal with the struggles you speak of when you are ready to do so. I hope that sharing your story here helps you on your journey to find peace with all of this. I believe healing is possible and I believe that it is the darkness we face that makes us shine in the end. Shine on, Anna. I stand in solidarity with you.
Dear Alissa,
thank you for your kind words.
Words like yours do play a big role in my healing process.
I wish I could speak to any person about the… rape (I am still afraid of this word. I needed many years to write and to speak out this word.)
Still having nightmares, I am struggeling with myself as I said, I am often feeling empty and I am crying for no reason.
I have a boyfriend but I don’t want to talk to him about that.
I talked to him once about the rape and it literally broke his heart:
I could see him crying and being depressed & angry about it.
We’re a really happy couple since five years and I hope that I will be free from all that suffering one day.
Thank you & thanks to all the people who are listening!
Take care.
-Anna
Dear Anna,
I smiled when I read your response back to me for a number of reasons. First, it makes me so happy that my message to you was healing. Second, because I completely understand and can relate to how scary the word rape can seem. In Brave Miss World, Linor says that rape can be very isolating, because even when you speak out and tell people they don’t want to talk about it. This is true, loved ones have a hard time hearing about the terrifying ordeals that the people they love have faced. The good news is that there is a community of survivors who understand.
Please be patient and kind with yourself. The healing journey can be very long and each of us walks it in our own way and in our own time. I hope that in time the nightmares and emptiness give way to light.
Dear Alissa,
since I posted my story online, I cannot choke bad feelings and I am not able to stop thinking about the rape; I didn’t talk about it for years and now everything is overwhelming me.
I am tired, having headache and stomach ache since some days, I am still having nightmares and in my dreams I’m going through the pain of the rape for hours.
I feel so guilty and ashamed towards myself, I cannot look into the mirror without thinking about the question why I didn’t prevent myself, my body and my soul from getting hurt so much.
I am reproaching myself for not fighting back enough, for not being strong enough to get rid of the rapist and I am scared that I will punish myself for that.
I contacted several therapists and I hope that one of them can help me to get rid of my pain what I feel in my soul and my body.
Best wishes and thank you so much,
Anna.