Hello this is pretty difficult for me to share and it is the first time I’m about to physically write it down. Nobody knows what happened to me as a kid through my teenage years. I recently watched Brave Miss World and was moved. Like Linor, I turned to my spiritual side for healing and guidance. Unfortunately, I have not talked or shared my story to anyone. It feels so much easier to suppress and put it all behind me. My husband is aware that something traumatic occurred but I’ve never shared in detail.
The very first time I was molested I was five years old it was by my great grandmothers husband. My sisters and I were in and out of foster care prior to my dad getting sole custody of us. In the meantime, I was molested again by a store clerk. I can’t remember my exact age because I was already going through so much at the time. The time came when my dad had gotten us out of foster care and for the first two years it was okay. He met a woman who had two kids of her own that were a couple years older than my sisters and I. At that time, I was eight. Soon after we became a blended family and moved into a five bedroom townhouse. It was not a house filled with joy and laughter as much as it was traumatic. My father drank heavily and would be in and out of prison.
Somewhere during the next few years I think I was in sixth grade the first time my step brother raped me. I didn’t even know what sex was. He was 14 or 15 and I had just turned 12. It started with him grabbing my breast and then he just did it. I was so shocked and in pain I went numb. He threatened to hurt me if I said anything. He also blamed me and said my dad would get angry and kick me out or send me back to a foster home. It was so confusing because he was also a big brother and would care for me as a younger sibling. I was so emotionally confused and at 16 I ran away and left home.
I was married at 17 with my dad’s consent I lied and said I was pregnant because I knew he would give consent. I did it to get out of my home and so I wouldn’t ever have to go back. I am the oldest on my dads side and felt that it was time for me to leave. I was divorced at 22 with two kids.
Thinking back, I imagine what difference it would make if I had spoke up. I don’t know? the way things were at that time I was extremely scared and confused. I appreciate your courage and strength I know many people have been touched and lifted in a positive way. Although I may never speak about it I feel strong and have established a relationship with the Lord for continued strength and guidance. I am also feeling a sense of relief as I write this. Thank you.
You are so very brave and I applaud you for having the courage to write your story here. Writing about trauma can be so healing and empowering. I hope that you continue to heal and that you continue to draw strength and guidance from your faith. The long-term effects of trauma are sometimes very hard to cope with and pushing the feelings away seems easier. I hope in time you find that talking through your experiences helps you and empowers you. Writing your story here will help many other survivors.
Thank you so much for your courage and bravery.