I do not know what to say.
I know, or at least see what others have posted.
Do I claim that I am different, or expound that I am the same?
I have spent a lot of time, effort and money in schools.
It would seem I would have the words.
I have words, but can I find the right ones?
Is it not, or do not want to?
To write about it, I have to think about it.
Thinking about it means to relive it.
More so, it brings my tears.
Am I not months past the consequences of the physical act?
Or was the damage emotional?
Obviously, I can not trust him.
Would it be wise not to trust any hims?
How many times do I stop writing because of my tears?
Should I list what else I stop because of this?
What would that solve?
Solving is not the same as surviving.
Can I solve but not survive, or better to just survive and not worry over solving?
It hurts to write this.
It hurts many to not write this.
He told me to relax and let this happen.
The philosophy is sound when turned to another.
Can a few shared words erase an hour of hurt?
Or weeks of hurting,
Or is it months of pain?
I have the event in my mind.
Does it matter what was taken off, or how many thrusts, or where it happened?
Should I say I am fine now?
Is a lie a poor way to start a relationship?
Was I lied to?
He didn’t say he wouldn’t.
Does anyone read the long, involved, rambling posts?
Do I need to write one?
Apparently.
Can I come up with a summation of this event, and my feelings, and survival, and healing?
Thank you, works for me.
-Beth, age 20
Dear Beth – you are an incredible writer. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I want you to know I read your post and didn’t find it rambling. I also don’t consider it particularly long, but even if it had been, you should write as much as you want. That’s what this forum is for.
I wish I could tell you what you “should” do. I wish there was a road map or an instruction manual for how to heal from this. But I haven’t found one yet. The closest thing I’ve found is a therapist. One you click with (which can take a few tries) who can help you work through so many of the things you wrote about. The tears when you think about it, the trouble trusting people. If the details matter to you then they matter. But it might only matter that you tell your therapist and you have someone to work through them with you and no one else ever has to know. Or it might be that you need to talk to close friends in detail about what happened. It’s different for everyone and there is no one right way. But I do think that someone guiding you and listening to you is so important. You can always call a rape crisis hotline if you’re struggling. You don’t need to be “in crisis” per se – just wanting to talk is a great reason to call.
I’ll be thinking of you and sending you lots of love and light, Alexis