My Strength

When I was 14 years old I was groomed off the internet by a boy who was one year older. He was a friend through a friend. I was being bullied at school, and did not have many friends and he seemed there for me like he cared about what happened to me.

When I turned 15 we began dating, he was so loving and kind to me. Then over time things changed and he would yell at me and the yelling turned to the odd slap on the back of the head, which later became more. He told me he was ready for sex and I refused but he didn’t take it as a no.

I was raped the first time on Valentine’s Day, in his bedroom. He made threats. If I spoke out he would hurt my family and if I didn’t come back when he said so, he would rape my cousin who was only 8 years of age at the time. I kept going back thinking I was doing the right thing protecting my family,. I didn’t feel worth anything anymore, so I would rather it happen to me than happen to people who had a shot in life.

I was raped sometimes several times a day at his house at weekends and in school holidays for about six months. During those six months, I went through many beatings. I had car seats throws across my face, head-butted, bitten, slapped. I even had a knife shoved in my face and I told him to do it as I didn’t want to live like that anymore. Through all of this I entered the world of self harm and starvation so I could feel in control of something. Somewhere down the line through the rapes, I became pregnant.

When he found out, he hit me in the stomach and tried to throw me down the stairs. I nearly lost the baby. Being scared and by that time when I found out so far along in the pregnancy, that fact i nearly lost the child through no decision of my own, and being so scared for its life I knew I had to carry out this pregnancy.

My brother saw my abuser hit me in my own home and threw him out my house and that was where the police got involved. Everything came out and it became a police investigation which lasted over a year only to fall through and all charges dropped. My mum couldn’t cope with what happened to me and had a mental break down. I have not seen or spoken to her in nearly a year now, and I am lodging in a family friends attic with my son who was the child from the pregnancy. He is one next month.

The boy who did that to me tore my life apart. Because of him I lost my friends, left school, lost my education, lost my family, my mum, my home and any pride I had. I have been through months of counseling, CBT and EMDR trauma therapy to help with my PTSD due to my trauma. Now almost 2 years on, I am nearly 17 and I have started a new school in sixth form catching up my GCSEs and doing my A levels as well as taking care of my son. I now have friends and I believe that things will get better for me because I know if I can be a survivor, and survive what i have at just the age of 15 years old, I can survive anything life throws at me now and for the rest of my life. I am proud to be a mother to a most perfect wonderful little boy who I lose with all my heart. I know I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t have him as he is all I hold on for.