was 15 when I was raped, I am now 16 so this is about almost a year later that i am writing this. I was very stupid last year. It was summer. I felt lost in ways i cant explain. It was during preseason soccer conditioning that i decided i did bot want to play soccer anymore. My dad wasn’t okay with that so my solution was to pretend i was going to conditioning and tryouts when really i’d just stay inside my school and hang out with my volleyball friends. I had just met some guy from a nearby school and was talking to him on snap. 2 days later, i decided to let him pick me up on a conditioning day so i wouldn’t be bored in school. I get it, it was very stupid of me to let a guy i had just met pick me up. Keep in mind he was a senior and i was 15. I thought nothing could go wrong. Some of my friends knew of him so he wasn’t a complete stranger. He brought me back to his place. We were making out and He pulled my shorts down. I pulled them back up. I felt uncomfortable. I Kept going on my phone trying to avoid an awkward situation. He went up behind me and forcibly pulled my pants down. I realized i didnt really have a choice now. But i didnt think it was horrible so i was like whatever. Things started to escalate quickly. I was more uncomfortable than i’ve ever been. I tried pulling his hand away many times. I told him “no”. I told him to stop. But then i just let him keep going. I told him i didnt want to lose my virginity to him. I told him i wasnt ready. He said he would go easy and then took his clothes off. I told him to stop and i told him i wasnt ready. I told him i didnt want to do it yet. At this point i realized i would just have to deal with what was happening. I tried pushing his body off but I couldnt he was too big. I kept saying stop but he would just keep on going. I just layed there in pain. My body felt so numb. I remember i started crying, which he asked me why. I knew what was happening now. I couldnt stop him. I layed there waiting for it to be over. After this happened my life and way of thinking really changed. I started abusing alcohol and drugs. I just felt like everything was my fault. Some of my friends understood me but my attitude towards life now was too much for them to handle. I was a mess. After a few months went by, i got help. I am now alot better and have realized that this was not my fault. If you have been victimized, please know that it was NOT your fault. Focus on spreading kindness and positivity to the world. This world doesn’t need anymore sphyco rapists.
— Survivor, age 16
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. You are absolutely right – what happened to you was NOT your fault. I am so grateful to read that you are doing better now; it can be so hard when your friends can’t be supportive in the way that you need. You wrote that you got help so I hope that means a therapist. I’m so proud of you for reaching out!!!! Too many people wait to get help and don’t realize how deserving they are of having someone to listen and support and help them through the process. I believe you can heal, especially with your approach of spreading kindness. I hope that includes spreading kindness to yourself. I find that to be the hardest but also the most important. I’m so proud of you for posting here and grateful for your voice. Love, Alexis
I love how in the end you are so strong and know it was not your fault and you got help and are now being a HERO to other survivors. You know you are NOT stupid and you did not deserve what the criminal did – yes he is PSYCHO, but he will not win against you with his attack because you are so strong! He knew exactly what he was doing and that’s why he stalked someone young like you, you did nothing wrong and all right – keep up the good work being so kind!