I was a bit of a party wild child, started drinking when I was 13 and kissing boys, however did nothing sexual until I was 17. That’s when I started hanging out with the “cool” crowd. The popular boys seemed into me and that was really flattering so I started seeing one of them. It was all cute texts and hanging out until one night I invited him over when no one was home…we made out a bit but he suddenly got very forceful and took of my clothes before I knew it.
He then had sex with me whilst I sort of just lay there in shock. I wasn’t hysterical or fought him off madly, I remember just lying there and feeling numb, for some reason there was no blood so he didn’t believe me when I said I was a virgin. I think he came in me, but it’s a bit blurry, I do remember that he stayed around for a long while after that.. I think it was mostly to convince himself he did nothing wrong. We had sex again before he left. After, I got a knife and tried cutting my wrists but was too chicken to do it properly.
That year I started drinking heavily and sleeping around although I didn’t enjoy sex for years afterwards. It didn’t help that I kept seeing him around as we hung out with the same people. I believe I sort of blurred it from my memory and because of my personality I function well 90% of the time, I finished 2 great degrees and am on the way to becoming successful in my career. However, I do not trust men and tend to use them so they can’t use me.
I believe I am a high functioning alcoholic and have dabbled in sex work on the side as a high end escort. No one would ever suspect I am one and I used to think it empowered me. I am not so sure anymore as I feel it probably takes away more than it gives. Because I think I am strong, I thought I healed from what I wasn’t even sure was rape. I never told anybody and I don’t know if i ever can because in my mind I still blame myself. I should have done something and resisted more instead of just going blank, I am smarter than that. I am only starting to accept that it was rape and understand that a lot of my relationship and emotional issues DO stem from that night. I think a lot of the times women are ashamed to say anything because they expected more of themselves.
One of the most common responses to sexual assault and rape is to freeze in shock. It is called tonic immobility and it is very similar to when a small animal (like a cute little bunny) plays dead when a predator is about to attack them. When we are in danger our brains are hyper aware – our brains go into defensive mode. Sometimes the best way to defend ourselves from danger is to freeze. So, that is a long way of saying that your brain is very smart and it defending you from more danger.
Your body did exactly what it was designed to do and I hope you come to learn that you are not to blame.
Light and love to you.