One Bruise Too Many

After going through so many things with my mom and being bullied as a young girl I felt that my best friend of many years would be there for me after seeing me crying and hurt most of the time especially being that we were both at a new school together. I began to like other guys at school he didn’t like me liking any of them and told me it made him feel some way when i was with him. I began to like him to a point where it felt like love even after the damage was done I still couldn’t stop liking this boy. One day I told him I liked him and we ended up kissing and I couldn’t explain how great it felt but I felt as a young girl we should leave it as a kiss. Couple days after we return to school he told me in order for him to like me I had to do other things for him to like me I was very uncomfortable after hearing those words. He wanted me to have sex with him I told him I wasn’t ready for that at all and he knew that. He started kissing m e told me I had to touch his area, so I did and when I yanked away he pulled me back and laid me down and started trying to put it in and put it in my mouth after trying to hump me and put it in so many times “you would think after my big eyes getting bigger you would leave me alone especially your best friend I kept thinking but it didn’t matter it was my fault this was happening it was my fault I lead him on it was my fault. I didn’t stop it.”

The next day the same thing happen he kept saying I wasn’t going to tell him no i said i was going to do this he kept trying to put my head down I remember how bad i wish he would stop or see my face that U didn’t want it i had tears falling but it. Didn’t occur to him that it felt like I was about to get rapped then he stopped and was mad. It was pushing him off. Away anything I can think of then he hit me all I can do is lay there wishing it was over I couldn’t believe after all that happen I was laying there. I cried for many nights. blaming myself for all that happen when we went back to school he told everyone how he used me and that he never liked him and that I gave him a sore a bump (like sti or std wise). Most of the boys we associated with asked me do I go down now. I confronted my best friend immediately and ask why is he listening to people and letting them say that and he promised me he didn’t. I wanted to die, transfer back to my old school anything. I told my mom how he harass me telling lies and bullied me and she was ready to go to his house , report everything but I beg for her to let it go and don’t bring attention to it. It was a lot going on for me, him and his friend threw trash at me talked bout the clothes i wore because if I liked something I always had it and how I had a lot of hair and I didn’t like to do it all the time because I was a tomboy and I wad talked about a lot especially by him. I thought that life honestly couldn’t get any worse I never told anyone and as I’m telling my story at 18/19 years old my family probably still probably wont believe. This happened at 13 I still went to school with the boy until I was 18 when I confronted him he said “if it happen he’s sorry” & “I wouldn’t do that, I don’t remember doing you like that”. Telling someone for the first time was horrible I had kept it to myself for years so I wouldn’t have to be looked at different or wanting my business on the news or in court so people wouldn’t judge me when I was already talked about. Knowing that I would have so much hate and pain towards what happen I could have went to court or pressed charges. I told my mom a few months ago she was surprised it happen because she felt something more happen anyway. I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and mood disturbance I have trouble sleeping and concentrating in class or when I need to.

I have flashbacks frequently I honestly wish he would have just took my life with him because this process was the most difficult I have faced yet after already being bullied once I didn’t think it would happen again still being suicidal hurts myself people close to me. I had fights with my grandmother because she disapprove of my thinking and gets upset and her harsh comments doesn’t make it any better.

I hope it gets better for me and being able to post this is all of of my courage since I was in hiding for so long.