I was raped the first time when I was 2. It began a lifetime of torture and abuse at the hands of several perpetrators. I am now 34 and the last time I was raped by one of these men was in 2016.
I am trying to speak out but their activities were kept well hidden and as a result, I am called a liar and trying to destroy people’s lives because I’m insane. Even my mother calls me a liar.
By the time I was 10 I had been raped over 600 times. More since then.
I don’t know what to do. If i speak out I may put myself in danger, but if I remain silent I feel like I am dying inside.
No one understands. Like you said no one wants to talk about it. It’s our shameful little secret.
I am trying to get help but financially it is such a burden and my husband and i have spent nearly all our savings. I applied for funding but found out last week that because of lack of evidence I was not eligible. They didn’t speak to my doctor. They didn’t look at me. My body is covered in scars from self harm and from their abuse. I need surgery on both my hips because of the damage done to them. Even letters from my surgeon were not enough evidence.
I feel so lost and alone. My head is a mess. I suffer from dissociative identity disorder and complex PTSD amongst other things.
I just want to be free but I feel like I will be haunted by this forever.
— Survivor, age 34
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so much. If you live in the United States, you could try calling a rape crisis center. They sometimes offer free or low cost counseling. You can look in the Get Help section of this website for phone numbers. You might also call your doctor and ask if he/she knows of a low cost place to get therapy. I think your instincts of trying to talk to a professional make a lot of sense and I believe you can heal and be free. It will take a lot of time but I do believe it can happen. But in the meantime, please know you are not alone. Sending you lots of love, Alexis
Dear survivor! Please, don´t give up! Try to find a crisis center. Get help! No one has the right to do such things to you! What a bunch of pigs and weak persons.
I am sorry, that you had to endure such terrible crimes and hope my words can give some confort!