I was raped when I was 19 years old. I was very inexperienced sexually. I had started “fooling around” with a guy I met through a friend. It was Christmas day and he came over to my house (where I lived with my parents). I had told him I did not want to have sex, as I told him I had difficulty separating the emotions from it. (He wanted to just be “friends with benefits”). We were fooling around in my room, and I told him again I did not want to have sex. He did it anyway. I did not make any sound because I did not want my parents to hear (they were home) and know that I was having sex. I thought they would be angry about him being there in the first place.
Afterwards, he “cuddled” me. I felt so confused. I still feel very confused. Sometimes I think it was my fault, because I led him on and did not fight back at any point. However, in recent years (I am now 30 years old), I have come to realize that any time you tell a man that you are not consenting to sex and they do it regardless, it is rape.
I have always suffered from anxiety, even before this incident. However, it has gotten worse and I have panic attacks often. I take medication to control them but it is something I will live with forever.
Dear strong, beautiful survivor, thank you for sharing your story! I am so glad you have come to realize you are not to blame for your rapist’s actions. Your trauma isn’t something you should or would ever be expected to forget.. but I hope you able to move past it & truly heal. You deserve that. You have my love & respect.