Rape without remorse

It’s been 3 weeks and 6 days since that night. 3 weeks and 6 days since you took away my self respect, my self worth and the only ounce of self esteem I had left.
This is a letter to my rapist.

I never thought it would be someone I knew. How could my perception of you have been so wrong. I thought I was happy to see you when I met you out that night. As impressions go you seemed like a lovely person. I will always regret taking that next shot you bought me because after that the night went completely black.

That morning you woke me up and for a minute I was happy that someone I knew had taken care of me that night. That was until I looked down and saw that my trousers were no longer on me, jacket and top still on though. Strange don’t you think? I turned to you and asked if we had sex last night and you said yes. I then began to remember the only memory I have after I took that shot. I remember either waking up or becoming conscious to the feeling of you inside me and the shadow of you on top of me! I remember me telling you to stop, to get off me and then its black again! You told me that morning I wouldn’t let you finish….but why did it even begin in the first place? Apparently we kissed in the club! But does that mean I wanted to have sex with you? You told me I vomited in the club and said and I quote “you couldn’t handle your drink last night”. I couldn’t handle my drink? Does that mean you thought I had the capacity to consent? You told me that I was crying. Does that mean you thought I was in the mood? I suppose if I didn’t resist you taking my trousers off in my presumed unconscious/semiconscious state it must of meant I wanted it right? Because I highly doubt I instigated it.
Wouldn’t let you finish you say? It should NEVER have happened in the first place.

If saying no once wasn’t enough you sexually assaulted me again in the morning. While lying on my side, facing the complete opposite direction and fully conscious this time, you put it inside me, no consent, no physical or verbal confirmation that I wanted it! I pushed you back and told you to stop. “What is it about the word no that boys just don’t seem to understand” I said to you. I sat at the edge of the bed and said “this isn’t like me”, doubting myself, thinking to myself that maybe somehow I did want to last night. “yeh right”, you said as if I’m some piece of meat. I stood up and tried to put back on my trousers but you came behind me brushing against me and held my hips. Third time’s the charm right. I pushed you away again and said stop. I ordered a taxi and while I waited I told you “I really can’t remember the night, all I can remember is a blip of sex and me telling you to stop“. I hate when girls say they can’t remember the night” you said. Really? Vomiting, crying and drunk and you think that wasn’t enough proof? I don’t think I reacted straight away due to being hungover and altogether confused about why and how this had happened. Sure she wasn’t distressed they’ll say, she never ran out of the house, she didn’t react badly at the time, how could she have been raped?
I went home and cried and I have cried everyday since. My eczema got worse because of the stress. I took sick leave from work. I’ve been to a rape councillor to help me get over the trauma you left behind. I am now in therapy and I have filed a report at my doctor. My mum even had to sleep beside me that night. I have so much anxiety to visit home now because I fear I’m going to see you. If I didn’t already have enough issues with my body you’ve now made me feel disgusted in it.
I will always wonder why you never took me home or even just let me sleep it off at your house after seeing me in such a vulnerable state. What’s so disheartening is that you saw a vomiting crying girl and thought you know what I’ll take her home with me and have sex with her, she seems up for it. Where was your human decency? And what’s even more disturbing is the fact you told me all this the next morning and thought you did nothing wrong. If it was the other way around I would never have taken advantage of you. It doesn’t take all of two seconds to look at me in that state and think that she doesn’t have the capacity to have sex. You used my body, MY BODY!!! for your own personal pleasure with no regard for my feelings and to disrespect me in that way bears no forgiveness.
I didn’t wash myself that day contemplating whether to go to the police but what’s the point. Sure I was wearing a thong, we have to take that into consideration here right? Or let’s dig up her past sexual history and use it against her. She went home with him they’ll say. She cant remember anything so it wasn’t rape. You will get to write the script of what happened that night and isn’t that convenient. She wanted to you’ll say. It was consensual. No wonder most rapes go unreported. I doubt there was any foreplay or do you kiss someone who just vomited? I don’t know anyone that vomits and cries while drunk and says you know what I’m in the mood to have sex. I was clearly out of it. You should NEVER have touched me.

I didn’t report my rape because I knew nothing would come from it. You will never serve any consequence for what you did to me that night. The one thing I am grateful for although I will always be disturbed by is that one memory of you raping me. I will always appreciate how my body reacted to it and woke me up enough to protect itself. At least I will always know and never doubt that I ever wanted to have sex with you.