When I was 17, I was hanging out with my best friend and her boyfriend at her house. We often spent time together and also hung out with some of his colleagues.
We listened to music, we joked, and we had a few drinks. I regret that. Eventually, they went to bed and I went to sleep on the sofa. I woke up during the night to her boyfriend having sex with me. I’m ashamed to say that I froze. I was scared that I had led him on and that it was my fault. I was scared that if I made a scene, my best friend would hear and blame me for it. I just kept still and quiet, pretended I was asleep, and was grateful that he had used a condom. Because he wasn’t violent and had taken precautions, I wondered if maybe it wasn’t rape. I blamed myself completely and was so ashamed of what had happened,
I didn’t tell anyone about it. My mum got mad with me because she thought I was acting out. I did strange things that were out of character. I behaved rashly, I had no self-esteem, sex has never been enjoyable since. It damaged my relationship with my best friend, with my mother. I left university abruptly. I told past boyfriends and they just ignored it. I couldn’t hurt my mum by telling her. So I stopped telling people. I’m married now but I’m not the same kind, soft, warm person that I was. I was always smiling but now I’m harder, colder, more negative.
What you’re doing is so important. You really are an inspiration and a savior.
— Survivor, age 28
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here; I’m so glad you did even if you don’t talk about it. What happened to you WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Freezing is actually very common. We hear a lot about “flight or fight” but freezing is also very common, just rarely talked about. It doesn’t matter that he used a condom or wasn’t “violent”, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist. They can help you work through feeling colder and more negative. You are holding on to so much and you deserve to let that go and be supported. You deserve to smile again; the smile that comes from deep in your soul. You can heal from this. I believe in you. Love, Alexis
I wish that never happened to you and I wish it never happened to me either. I’m finding a really hard time coping with it as it happened about a month ago. I thought I could pretend it never happened but I find myself thinking about it more and more. My best friend wants to hangout with me and is confused when I avoid it or don’t invite her and her boyfriend out. I’m not ready to talk about it and don’t think I will be for a very long time. I don’t know what to do and feel that I need to tell someone but my fear in confiding in someone is that they will tell my best friend a story I’m not ready to share. I feel ashamed and I truly wish I would’ve never spent the night. We all have the same friend group and I find myself disconnecting. I truly believed this man was such a good person and I looked at him like a brother which makes this all even more difficult to accept.