August 2017 I was raped by someone I was dating. This had happened at the very beginning when we started dating. I had gone over his house and we were outside talking in my car. He asked me if I wanted to get off I said yes thinking we were just going to be sitting outside on the porch. (It was my first time going inside his house)He took me into his house to his room and we started making out. He reached to unbutton my jeans and I told him to stop. He kept asking me why and I just kept telling him i didnt want to I kept saying no multiple times. I was embarrassed to tell him I was on my period. He wasn’t taking no for an answer so I finally just told him I was on my period thinking he was going to stop trying to take off my jeans but he just said “I’ll use a condom” “there’s a first time for everything”. He just had his way and took advantage of me, I was in shock, I froze. I started crying in silence he didn’t even notice he kept going. He stopped after a while and I put my clothes on and then he wanted to have sex again a few minutes later. I didn’t want to i told him no but he had his way again. I went along with it for a bit but then he started hurting me so I told him to stop and his response was “you could finish but I can’t?” I didn’t know what to say or do so I just laid there until he was done. I was so confused after that night. I remember getting home and going to bed crying and waking up crying the morning after.
We still kept dating after that but I never brought up that night because I felt that he was going to say that I wanted it too or tell me I’m exaggerating. Maybe like almost 2 months after that night he cheated on me. And I finally had the guts to tell him and he never apologized or anything.
It’s been 4 months and I have had moments where I break down and feel angry towards myself. I can’t believe I gave him a chance after he took advantage of me. I did try to seek for counseling 2 months after that happened but I never ended up going because I felt that what happened to me wasn’t “that bad” For a while and still sometimes to this day i feel like it wasn’t rape since we still hooked up three times after that. I still feel confused.
— Survivor, age 23
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. Please follow your instinct to seek counseling. Sexual assault isn’t a contest and the feelings from your experience are COMPLETELY VALID and worth dealing with and healing from. Please try to be kind to yourself. Hooking up with him afterward does NOT diminish what he did to you nor does it make it in any way your fault. For one thing, you were doing the best you could with what you had at the time and second, consent can be revoked and given during an individual instance. Nothing you did, or consented to, makes what he did to you ok. Please find a counselor. Remember that it can take a few tries to find the right match but it is so worth it once you do. You are inspiring and so strong and I am so grateful to have read your story. Sending you so much love, Alexis