I was arrested for intoxication in public and apparently led to assault on an officer. I think I may have been drugged at the bar. I have fragmented memories of being raped at the jail by a male deputy and and female deputy restraining my hands. I passed out once I realized what was about to happen. I remember her telling me to open my legs and relax that they weren’t going to hurt me. She kept saying just let him do it when he forced my legd open and stuck his finger inside me. I can’t remember anything after that except I couldn’t breathe. I filed a report and an investigation was done by the VSP but because no camera in my cell… basically my word against theirs. I’m so broken and don’t understand why I can’t remember anything after him putting his finger in me. It’s killing me not knowing what happened to me. I’m so ashamed hearing how I acted and blame myself because I shouldn’t of ever been at a bar in the first place. My trust with law enforcement is no longer there..I have panic attacks now just seeing a police officer. I don’t know what to do anymore. Some days I pray for god to take me and all this pain away from here but I have a son that needs me. Thanks for letting me vent my feelings that I can’t share with anyone else!
— Survivor, age 32
Survivor, I want to say how brave you were to file a report against these 2 criminals.I guarantee you this is not the first time they have used their authority to commit a crime and it will not be the last. Eventually if enough brave survivors like you take action they will at the very least lose their jobs, be aware you are a hero for stepping forward. You should not be ashamed for the way YOU acted – you are the one a crime has been committed against. We find on this site that their are predators out there that wait for women to be in vulnerable situations and then strike painfully and yes when they are having fun is one of those times. You need to talk to someone about this, a counselor or a therapist to be able to heal. You should not feel shame and blame yourself – you did not hurt anyone, others are the criminals not you. Also, I know many people who have been thru the prison system in various ways and anything you can do in your life to stay out of there is needed because yes,it’s an evil system which puts the jailed in a vulnerable position and the jailers are pretty much scum in many cases – what happened to you is not unusual and NOT your fault ! God does want you to heal from your pain and He wants you to be with your son as your son has the best mom in the world-you. You can do this, you can heal and recover from this crime but you cannot do it alone. You are so strong to have come thru this with love to give, thinking not of yourself but your child – STAY STRONG!!!
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What happened to you was NOT YOUR FAULT!!! It doesn’t matter if you were drinking – they had no right to do what they did to you.
Not remembering what happened is probably your body’s defense mechanism. Sometimes the body can’t actually form memories during a traumatic situation because your brain is in overdrive trying to survive. In any case, I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what you went through. They can help you work through the pain and really understand that what happened to you was not your fault. I believe you can heal from this and move forward. It takes a lot of hard work but I believe you can do it and I believe you deserve it. Sending you lots of love, Alexis