Returning to Mexico

First of all, I am very proud of any rape survivor. I’m proud of how strong we all are and how much stronger we become through this experience, even though the healing process is so hard and takes very long. But we can do it, and in the end we become stronger.

I am 22 years, female and from Amsterdam. 1,5 year ago (August 2013) I was raped in Mexico. I had studied there already for 6 months, and went back to do my internship in this lovely country.

However, at the first night of the return I was drugged in a club, taken by three guys, brought to a Motel, and raped by two guys. I wasn’t conscious the whole time but I remember some parts quite clear. Definitely saying no and trying to get away but I couldn’t, the drugs paralyzed me. And I remember parts of them having sex with me. When the third one entered I woke up and – I think the drugs didn’t work anymore – started screaming at guy number 3. He left and I felt asleep again, my eyes were so heavy. When they left they woke me up yelling at me, and I put on my clothes and went outside. Thinking that they would bring me home (I had never been with a guy who didn’t bring me home), but when two of the three guys drove away, I run to the car of the third guy and got in. He yelled at me and told me to get out, I got angry and told him to bring me home, that was the least he could do. He told me that if I wouldn’t get out right away something very bad would happen, and his eyes looked like he was going to murder me. I jumped out the car immediately and he drove away. The motel was apparently 40 min outside the city in the middle of nowhere and darkness (I don’t remember anything from the way to the motel). I started running at some light which appeared to be a gas station.

I called my Dutch guy friend, M. – who had arrived a month earlier, and lived in the house I used to live in the year before – he luckily answered, and I was crying and screaming on the phone. M. couldn’t come to me because I didn’t know where I was, so I took a cab to his house (my old house). The taxi ride seemed to never end, and I was scared the taxi driver would not bring me home. But after 30 min I finally started to recognize parts of the city (Guadalajara, 6mil people).

When I arrived at M., I cried in his arms. He brought me inside. He told me he felt very guilty he didn’t watch over me, but I told him that I totally understood and that it was OK. (We were there with my 20 friends, and everybody thought I left with someone of them). We talked and I slept a little and took a shower. And from that moment, I acted like nothing ever happened. That evening I even went to a bar with my best Mexican friend already. Sometimes I had nightmares, but the only advice M. could give is “think about something else”, so I did.

I even saw two of guys two times in other clubs, after 1 month and 3 months (Nov). The first time, I was in a club, on coincidence M. was there as well. When I saw the guy, I run to M., he got some friends and we went to the guy. I wanted to talk to him first. The guy acted really nice and asked if I wanted something to drink. I got so angry and totally snapped. A Mexican friend had to carry me out the club, I was screaming and crying. I told M. not to do anything because those guys might be dangerous (expensive cars, drugs and in Mexico..). The Mexican friend had to know what happened and I told him. M. went to the security of the club and told them that the guy had put drugs in his friend drink and they checked him. They found a lot of drugs on him and he was dragged out the club by his hair.

The second time was in another bar, I wasn’t with any really good friends. Guy number three grabbed my shoulder when he saw me and greeted me happily but disrespectful. I was shocked when I saw him and run away. But I was so confused, and wondered if he really knew who I was so I went back to him to ask where he knew me from. He made a sex movement and looked super gross, and I knew he remembered. Then I walked away again to my friends and acted like nothing happened but was quite anxious.

Over the time I had some nightmares and woke up crying. I texted my two friends, M. and the Mexican friend, and they always told me to think about something positive, which seemed the best option. The nightmares started to become really bad and nearly every night 9 months after I was raped, April/May 2014. I became scared to sleep, but still tried to push it away at day times. I finally felt the strength to tell my two best friends. Their reaction shocked me, and showed me that what happened to me was really bad. They motivated me to go to the psychologist and the doctor… I finally went for the first time in July and was diagnosed with PTSD. Brave Miss World gave me the courage to tell another friend, then my aunt, and then my parents and brother (all in December 2014).

Right now I am in the healing process, and try to not push it away anymore. I try to give it time and let friends/family know when I feel bad (even though that is very hard and I feel weak doing so).