I was raped by someone I dated, I’ve told one person and it scares me to tell anyone else. Maybe sharing this with you and anyone who reads this will help. I know I’m not alone but it’s still scary to talk about. I was casually dating, let’s just call him ”B”, for a couple of months before the rape. Things we’re going pretty well, we had fun together but it was nothing serious.
One night he came over after work, he worked at a bar so he usually got to my place around 3 am, we slept together that night and everything was fine until the morning. He wanted to have sex again and I did not. B kept asking and I said I was tired and didn’t feel like it, I said no multiple times but I guess he didn’t take it seriously. Before I knew it, I was laying on my stomach and he was raping me. My body froze and my voice couldn’t come out of my mouth. I was trying to say ouch and stop but it was almost like a whisper, my body felt stuck so I couldn’t push him off. I was holding onto my bed so hard because it was a very physically painful experience and I was so scared.
Finally, out of no where I got a burst of strength and pushed him off. After it happened B felt the need to take a small nap before he left. I laid there in silence and shock but once the days and week went by I seemed to forget about the incident. One night I was watching TV, and my brain went back to that morning, I thought to myself “I swear I said no more than once…did I get raped?!” Thinking of the events leading up to the rape I realized that I was in fact raped. I was mad at myself. Why didn’t I realize this that morning? I felt shocked and scared but why didn’t I know I was being raped? I was ashamed that I continued to see B and sleep with him and I don’t know why. Finally my hate for him grew so much that I ended the relationship about 2 months later. My shame comes from continuing to date and sleep with my rapist. Why would I do that to myself?
I just watched Brave Miss World and I decided to share my story. I know its not my fault and I need to forgive myself for hating myself for continuing to date him. I know it will always be part of my life but I refuse to let it control my life and future relationships. I’m not sure yet if telling more of my friends and even telling my mom will help me. The reason I’m scared to tell more people is because I think they will judge me for continuing to date him after, I think my mom will be angry with me for allowing him to stay in my life for 2 months after the rape. Right now, writing it down and sharing it anonymously is a big step for me. I am strong and so are you!
I think you are very strong and courageous for sharing your story. Admittting that you kept a relationship with this person automatically makes me respect you. It is good that you realized that even though you had sex with him moments before he chose to betray your body that you didn’t give him the okay to do whatever he wanted afterwards. It was not your fault for not realizing that what he did was rape because we wouldn’t think that the people we trust would be the ones to hurt us. Stay stong and hang in there.
I am so proud of you for sharing your story here! I know it was a huge step in the healing process for you. You did nothing wrong and your reactions to your rape are perfectly valid, normal, and acceptable. I hope that you are able to forgive yourself and that you are able to wash away the shame. Shame is not yours to carry and it never was. He raped you and you reacted in the only way your body knew how. Admitting you stayed with him must have been really difficult, but it shows just how strong and brave you are. Thank you for sharing. May the knowledge that we are present with you, that we see you, help you on your healing journey.