Still Can’t Believe It

I know that I have been raped, but still can’t believe it. In all cases I knew my rapist. I was a rebellious teenager and walked away from home when I was 16. The cousin of a friend where I was staying raped me like 3 times and also gave me drugs and threatened me with a knife. He also threatened to harm my boyfriend if I would leave. One night he left me with his friend and drugged me. He left with the words: “Enjoy your time with her”. I have no bad memories of that night, because of the drugs, but I knew it was wrong. The cousin wouldn’t let me go home, but I got the change to call my parents who came to pick me up. My boyfriend returned from holiday and told my parents what happened. My parents never approached me about what they have heard.

I started to abuse alcohol and got raped again, by the much more older boyfriend of a girl who lived in the same building as my, by that time ex-boyfriend. We went to his house after going out, but he wouldn’t let me leave. When I realized he was going to get what he wanted, I joined him, hoping it would be over as quick as possible. I faked an orgasm, as he wanted me to come. It was terrible, I felt so dirty and ashamed when I walked home. I bumped into him years later.

Then I went on holiday with my father. I got to know the people working in the hotel for the animation team. I went out with them, boys and girls. I was flirting with one guy and felt special when he gave me attention. He told me everybody was going to leave for an after party in the hotel, in the staff department. The door got closed and locked behind me. I panicked a little bit, but thought that the rest would follow. A little kissing I didn’t mind, but he wanted to go further and I didn’t. I froze. I didn’t scream. I let him do his thing. I did asked him to wear a condom, he told me he didn’t have any. Multiple times I told him I had to leave, that my father was waiting for me, but he wouldn’t listen. Luckily I could prevent him from having anal sex with me. Finally he agreed for me to go to the toilet. The bed was one big bloody mess and I think it also scared him, because he let me go. I felt terrible in the room where my father was sleeping, sitting bleeding on the toilet. And I had to sleep next to my father. I was terrified that he would find out what happened. I still don’t understand, but the next day I went back to the guy and I gave him a blow job. The shame I cannot describe. When I got back home, I told my friends, that I had fallen in love.

After this happened I started to abuse drugs and alcohol. I got a new job with a strange boss at a small company. Team building was important to him. We went out with the staff and I got ridiculously drunk. My boss was sober, as always. He offered to bring me home and I agreed. He walked me upstairs. I can’t remember what happened, but when I woke up, I knew he had sex with me. It was the start of a very sick and abusive sex relation, where I was manipulated many times to do things I felt terrible about.

Then I had a relationship with another guy for 5 years. The relation was very destructive, as well physical as mentally. It destroyed me and he almost killed me. I haven’t even thought about if he has raped me.

When I was around 23 I worked at a bar. I slept over, because of a late shift and early shift the next morning. A college guy laid next to me and kept trying and trying and trying. Finally I gave him a blow job, anything was better than having sex. He really embarrassed me the next day, buy letting all people now that something had happened between us. He had his manners.

Since four years I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I haven’t drink ore used drugs since the 4th of February 2011. And, just like you I have become religious.

I think it’s time to confront my past.

Thank you so much for your courage and for who you are, Linor. I love and bless you.

My native language is Dutch, so there may be mistakes, but I’m just going to press SEND.