I was scared to write this. But, since I cannot settle my mind, I thought I would just go ahead and write so that I can clear my head and hopefully ease this pressure off my chest. You should know, if I may say, this is not easy, actually it is really very hard. I find myself still waiting for that place I was told comes with time – where you could discuss the bad things and your feelings not be so wrapped up in them to the point that you cannot function or breathe right, or it no longer holds you bound. A time when a thing can just be a thing – I guess that is the sentiment anyway.
Nevertheless, here it goes… I was born in Baltimore MD. I was raped by my father starting at 18 months, which is when my mother left, according to her anyway! She said she left because she walked in on him on me and couldn’t handle it. She says she left me with my grandmother. My earliest memories of him touching and raping me is 4. I was also abused by my grandmothers boyfriend (he didn’t go all the way), and multiple cousins – Tony (one of my cousins) forced me to have anal sex with him (he use to say he was getting back at my father for hurting him that way) Robert (another cousin) would force me to go down on him, and sometimes he would make me watch porn with him and we’d have to do everything that was done in the video. When I was 7 I learned that I wasn’t worth anything, because one day my aunts came busting into my grannies house and stated choking Robert; everyone tried pulling her off but she wouldn’t let go, then she said she knew what he did and if he ever touched one of her children again she’d kill him. I felt… why wasn’t I important enough for someone to stand up for me. I figured it was because I was bad or didn’t matter, and then there was Bruce who would have sex with me. Night after night was torturous for me and some days. I never felt safe (I still don’t), whether at my grannies house, many of my aunts houses, or at the home I stayed in with my father. I felt like I was always under attack and someone was out for my demise pawing at my skin constantly. My father is also the father of my daughter, of which I became pregnant when I was 11, and gave birth to when I was 12. As a child, and sometimes still today, I felt like I was being swallowed by a black hole – the deepest abyss. I felt – mostly still do – lonely, sad, ashamed, and guilty from what they did to me. I like to think that, like Joyce Myers and many others, I can reach a place of pure forgiveness, I understand that the forgiveness is supposed to be for me. But I struggle with whether or not I can even feel. I mean can I? I have never been overly angry (if at all) with those that hurt me, but if asked the question, do I ever feel angry? I would have to say it is very misplaced. Between being extremely Sarcastic, to snapping at store clerks, or people on the phone (that always seem to get under my skin), I would have to say somehow anger comes out. Tears, well they won’t come, I mean I feel like breaking down inside, yet instead, I am tightly wound ready to erupt inside, like a shaken up soda bottle ready to explode, but the lid won’t come off to provide room for air. Slowly I suffocate, I’m stuck, and feel so alone.
I have my entire childhood file from my time in D.C.F (department of Children and Families/in Connecticut),
***I ended up in Connecticut because when I got pregnant my grandmother sent me away to live with my birth mother, who I didn’t know. She was psychically abusive really bad and we got taken by D.C.F. Where I ended up living in a foster home, where my foster mother molested me saying she was teaching me to masturbate. I felt so worthless and low that I tried taking my life a few times. I ended up losing my baby and going to a long term residential.
***
and as I was reviewing it looking for some kind of solace, I noticed one of the therapist (whom I never talked too) stated that I did not seem to know how to place my anger onto the right situations or people to whom it belonged and she put my father ‘s name in parentheses. I often wonder if this is still true. I just do not know how to change this. I mean can I? What would it even accomplish… I really cannot place any other feelings or emotions. I mean I do get really sad, but I feel like I just want to scream or cry, yet those actions never come out. Instead, I feel this pain in my stomach and this overwhelming weight on my chest. For me, all of this is like a anchor holding me under water, and I am watching myself slowly drown. I do sometimes wish I could feel a positive noninvasive touch like a good long and supportive hug or being held. I guess I never will get this, a therapist once told me to try a warm bath or get into a relationship, but my question is, if I am afraid of hands hurting me how can I get into a relationship and also I tried the warm bath thing but I still feel so lonely. I hurt inside all the time. I try to keep busy and do for everyone else and focus on them, but at night when it’s just me the hurting, the emptiness and the loneliness begins drowning me. And my stomach hurts so bad… I feel it’ll be less painful to cut it out. I don’t know. I guess I’m just destined to be this way.
Moreover, am terrified, so terrified all the time, I want to talk in therapy but I am so afraid… for the last 2 years I have shut down, I get so anxious and hot, my stomach starts hurting, and I literally feel like there is a knot in my throat. I mean I want to talk I want to connect but I am so scared I feel like I’d rather hurt myself (pull my skin off). I trust my therapist and I’ve tried to do her suggestions but I freeze every time. I have dissociated and I don’t know how to reconnect. I don’t know how to not be terrified. I really could use any help/advice.
YOU
I want to love you, maybe just forgive you
Inside that little girl still looks for you
She’s scared sitting all alone, wanting you to
Rescue her, save her from all the monsters
Instead she fears you and resorts to hiding under the covers on the bed.
↔↔↔↔↔↔↔
At night I heard you walking: so under my covers I hid
Then I felt you, your hands slid into my underpants,
In-between my legs I felt you,
Rubbing and then you started pushing
Your fingernails cut and hurt me every time you did it…
Alcohol on your breath, I smelled it; It reeked from your pores
My name: I heard you calling:
Pretend: I tried but couldn’t fake it
Awake my eyes popped open
Between my legs I felt you rubbing, this time not your hands
My body hot and quivering
Inside: I begged you, please stop, can you hear me?
I feel you: then the push that stopped my breath
My insides you tore
I screamed, tears pouring from my eyes
I asked you to stop
My thighs they burned, between my legs on fire
Still you pushed. Please… I yelled, kicking, scratching at your arms
The pain the burning,
Tears falling from my eyes
My breath you take away, my face you covered with the pillow
It’s my screams you’re trying to suffocate
Shaking with terror, my body’s hot and sweaty
Inside I wished you’d stop
Instead I heard you say… “I have to finish before it’s too late”
My stomach is in knots, my voice harshly silenced…
My legs grew week and lifeless, my arms limp and still
My body giving up the fight
That’s it; you win…my body’s yours to take
This time, this fight, tonight I’ve lost
By: Jessica M., age 35
Dear Jessica – my heart goes out to you, you are so brave to write here about these things that happened to you. I know you know you did not deserve it and it was not your fault. You are so good hearted that even though bad things happened to you you help others, I admire you so much. the feelings you have are very normal, you have been through a war basically, which you never asked for and did not deserve at all. There is no wrong feeling and no wrong action you can do. If you feel like it, it will never hurt to express yourself and talk to others like you are doing here. This is just a guess on my part but other survivors say they feelings get MOST intense/hard when they start feeling safe actually because when the war/attacks come they must shut down all emotion to live. If and only if you feel comfortable – keep expressing yourself any way you can – you did a great job here – for yourself and others. And when you do feel bad, remember you have many people here sending love and support to you. You are so strong – best wishes !
You deserve to live your life to the fullest. Don’t be afraid to look for help over and over until you find something that heals you, because taking care of yourself should be your #1 priority. Your health and your emotions are important. You’re going to be okay, you’re going to make it through this. Try to find someone you can talk to about this. That would really help you. The fact that you’re still here already tells me you’re strong and you can make it through anything. It won’t be easy but nothing can destroy you, so don’t be afraid anymore, you’re going to be okay, even if you’re not now, you will be.
Jessica, – you have to be a very strong person to have endured all that has happened to you. I am fighting my own battle with child sexual abuse and right now, I am learning about shame and guilt. The words are just words but to understand their definition is opening up a road to the truth, breaking apart the illusions and denials from all of it. We carry the shame of our perpetrators and co-perpetrators. We carry the guilt for them. Shame comes in many forms. I felt shame when my parents chose to ignore what was happening, when the school system swept it under the rug, especially by my perpetrator! It has taken 40 years for me to use that term. Child sex abusers only care about their needs and do not see or care about their victims. All of these situations and more, leave the victims with the feeling of worthlessness. A sense of worthlessness causes the shame that we feel. We were just children and we couldn’t reason. It was happening to me, so why didn’t I stop it? Because I didn’t have the power to stop it. I was a child being abused by an adult. The adult has all the power, always. The shame came when I denied this fact.
“To feel guilty is easier than to accept the fact that we were powerless”.
Be aware of the denial. With it comes shame and guilt. We feel like someone is standing on our chest and we cannot breathe at the very least. The guilt flows through all areas of our lives and is tremendously destructive. We must forgive ourselves for our behaviors and choices as adults based on our faulty thinking. We must be cautious, however, to leave the shame and responsibility with the abusers. Anger.
When we have been hurt, then comes the anger. “To feel anger is less painful than to feel the underlying emotion”. I apologize for all the quotes. I am really seeing this and I know that this is the key to my freedom from my prison cell. The biggest lie ever told is the one we tell ourselves and we cannot live with the pain of the denial of the truth. The truth will set us free. Its not our fault. I am about 50 % through this effort. I am 55 years old. I’ve lost 40 years of my life. I have been in therapy for 24 years this month. I avoided this by talking about and working on everything else I could find. It’s only been the last three years that I started dealing with this. I know how scary and painful it is. What I realized was that the fear is just a feeling and will not hurt me. I can walk through it and nothing bad happens to me. I think it is some sort of protection to keep me back. Fear is just fear. With all that we’ve been through, and survived, we can do this. There isn’t anyone hurting us any longer but ourselves. Take your time, breath in out out, be kind to yourself and please don’t ever give up!
All my love to you
Dear Jessica – thank you so much for posting this. I can relate to you struggling about whether it would even help to put your anger “where it belongs”. I think it’s important that you don’t have to be angry permanently; even just recognizing that you’re angry is a big step. It might help to rechannel it but it also might not. But I don’t think it’ll hurt. In any case, you aren’t destined to be any certain way. Touch is a really big thing to get back and to feel positively about. The pressure in your chest and stomach pain might be from the anxiety you feel from holding your story in. I know 2 years feels like a long time with your therapist but there’s no time table. It IS really scary to tell your story and sometimes it take a lot of suggestions. For me a few things helped. They might not work for you but I’ll list them here in case they do or in case it gives you another idea:
– I would write it down and bring it to her to read so she could guide the conversation
– She would ask me questions so I could answer them instead of just feeling like I was talking without any structure
– We would talk about something really specific that was easier to talk about for me. That would help me build trust in her
I’m not an expert, just telling you what worked for me. At least part of it. Please keep going and keep trying. I know it can be really discouraging but I believe in you and I know you can do it. Sending you lots of love! Alexis
Hello, after reading this i have to say i was heartbroken and it left a sore in my throat, i really hope you are doing well now and you escaped all this crap. I wish there was something i could do because this is inhuman the number of sexually abusive people in this world especially when it is from your family. And after what i read like you were so young and when you said my father is the father of my children i lost it. look If you ever need someone to talk to or anything pls do not hesitate. Send me a message through this site if you want to talk, Chris.
Thank you for being so incredibly brave. I am so sorry that you were treated like this. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair and you don’t deserve it. I too have experienced sexual assault by people I trusted and I pushed it down for a long time. With all that is going on in the news, my memories have bubbled up and I find myself in a substantial amount of rage. One of the ways I deal with these emotions is exercise, particularly boxing. It helps me channel my energy and anger into a place that also makes me feel strong and confident. I hope you find peace, love. I’m trying to, as well.