I decided to share my story after reading another woman’s story on this site…she was brutally gang raped by police and contemplating suicide.
Please “don’t let them win” by Suicide.
I know it’s your choice to take your life or survive….
I know the helplessness against the Blue Wall.
I too have felt disposable, dismissed & despondent…
I was gang raped by a fraternity as a hazing stunt during rush week….thankfully, they drugged me so I don’t remember much…but reporting it, the officers said it was going to be my word against theirs and I didn’t really have a case as I went willingly to the party and did drink and wasn’t a virgin…so…..I didn’t really have a case.
I went to counseling immediately, but the lady therapist said I had “issues with my mother, not my rapists, rape didn’t have anything to do with what happened to me” she said…..that all happened when I was 18, by members of the PIKE house at SWT in1983….and The little sisters were in on it too. They set me up by asking me to participate in a drinking game with them. The girls brought me the drinks & they knew what the boys were planning for me. It happened the 2nd week of college. Up to then, I had been a very responsible person and had my parents love and trust which thankfully, never went away…I am extremely fortunate….although my grandma said it was my fault for going to the party in the first place and I probably wore a mini skirt, therefore asked for it….but she lived in a different era and just echoed her patriarchal views….
then in 1996 my cousin and her best friend were in a collision involving a police car…both girls died….the cops tried to cover it up….and my PTSD ignited…their word against the dead girls….and they were cops therefore their version must be believed….fortunately, there was a civilian Eagle Scout in the police car that hit the girls and he came forward, despite threats from the police, and told my family the truth…that the officer was traveling in a 35mph zone at over 120mph without flashing lights or siren …the girls never knew what hit ‘em….
I recognized my PTSD feelings immediately and sought help from the rape crisis center. They had me fill out paperwork & a survivor page checklist of 15 behaviors exhibited by survivors of sexual assault, I checked yes to 11 of them…and for the first time was able to get real counseling for my rape trauma, 12 years later….NOW, with the Dr Ford/Kavanaugh and the whole of our government backing the perpetrator….it’s still the same ol boys club….& the PTSD flares again but this time it’s like an undercurrent of rage….outraged…the patriarchy must change….and we are going to need women like you and me to help change the system somehow…..Thank you Alexis for creating this space. You are Brave. And to the woman who endured such police brutality…..I can not imagine your experience and I send you love and strength…I am so sorry that those inhumane ….I can’t even bring myself to call them people, much less officers of the law……They are despicable, disgusting and deserve to be behind bars for life…..even though thus far you’ve been unable to find anyone to take your case and now with Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court instead they’ll probably all just go out for a beer after work and laugh about it….assholes….
I know this is tough, with everything on the news and everything that’s been happening. I’m sorry about what happened to your cousin and also what happened to you. Your grandmother was wrong, nothing you did was “asking for it”. Rape isn’t asked for or else it wouldn’t be called rape. Like everyone else on this website, like Linor, you’re really brave for telling your story. I hope you’ve been doing better. I hope you’re coping with your PTSD well. Everyone will eventually get what they deserve, and so will rapists. They’re no exception. Society as a whole and the law really suck right now. That’s an understatement but I can’t cuss here. Things will change though, and all these survivors like you speaking up is the first step to change that we’re taking.
How horrible cops did this. I believe rapists deserve to be locked up for life whether they committed 1 rape or 100 rapes. Once a rapist always a rapist.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have to say that I was first so blown away by your willingness to share to help someone else. To me that speaks to your character and I’m really grateful for you, your words, and your story. I’m also incredibly impressed that you recognized your PTSD and were able to ask for help and am so grateful you’re getting counseling. I’m so glad the rape crisis center has been supportive for you when you need them. PTSD can be really tough to work through and it’s definitely not a linear process, especially with the news cycle these days. But a little bit at a time. I know you can do this.
It always enrages me to hear about therapists blaming victims or not addressing rape. I hope you know this but it never hurts to say that what happened to you is NOT your fault. You were not asking for it – no matter what you were wearing or if you’d had sex before or if you were drinking. What they did was wrong; no one ever has the right to touch you without your consent.
To be clear, I didn’t create this space. Cecilia and Inbal and Linor (and I’m sure so many others before me) are really who you should be thanking. I’m really just a regular person who comes here and comments. And deeply, deeply appreciates you and your post. Sending you lots of love, Alexis