To describe this experience in words is probably one of the hardest things someone could ask of me. How am I suppose to describe to people what I felt and make them understand it when I don’t even know that for myself. With that being said I will state the facts and tell what happened. I will do my best to describe my feelings but I’m in no way expecting anyone to understand because every victim goes through different experiences though our feelings may be similar they are still unique to the person and the story.
Fact: I was raped by the same guy multiple times.
The first time
He took me on date to eat at taco casa and then asked me to come watch a movie with him at his home. When we got there his parents were gone and we were on the living room couch. He began to kiss me and things quickly escalated. I didn’t want to have sex with him he knew I wanted to wait until I knew we both loved each other. I guess I led him on, I enjoyed kissing him. I was terrified to tell him no because I didn’t want to disappoint him or hurt his feelings. I tried to push him away and asked to slow it down but he continued. He pulled down my shorts and underwear and unzipped his pants and forced himself inside of me. At the time I had already lost my virginity but it was still painful and caused me to bleed a lot. After he was done I quickly went to the bathroom to calm my self down and then I left his house to meet a friend and we went to a party I got drunk and tried to forget everything.
The second time
I was urged to go to a party with my friend that I had no interest in being at. I was afraid he would make an appearance so I didn’t plan on drinking. I tried to go stay at another friends house but he wouldn’t let me. I got upset and said fuck it so I started drinking. He showed up at the party and I was frantic I knew I was in trouble because I was drunk and he knew I was drunk. My best friend who forced me to go with her to the party got caught and her parents made her go home. I was left alone at a party with people I barely knew and my rapist. No one would come get me and I knew he was going to try to rape me again. I was terrified and frantically calling everyone I could to get me and no one would.
A girl promised to stay with me and but she left me. I found myself sitting alone on the couch with him and I was terrified. I got up went to the kitchen and a guy named Spencer took me upstairs to a bed and told me I needed to sleep. He sat with me until I calmed down and he left so I could sleep. I fell asleep.
I woke up to the guy who had already raped me rubbing my back and petting my hair. It wasn’t alarming in any way and actually seemed sweet. He laid down next to me and started slowly fooling with my bra. This led to him throwing the blankets off me and him climbing on top of me. He ripped off my clothes got up to lock the door and undressed himself. He split my legs apart climbed back on top of me and I begged him to stop I kicked I tried to scream but he covered my mouth and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought if I kept saying no that it would haunt him and he would just stop but I was just fooling myself. He forced himself inside of me. I shortly gave up and just laid there and stared at the wall waiting for him to finish. When he finished he got up dressed himself and left the room. I couldn’t move my body an inch. I thought I was dead and I was hoping that I was. I waited until I saw the sun light shine through the window and hit the wall, I finally left and went home.
— Survivor, age 18
Your rapist is a CRIMINAL and a classic predator! He did this on purpose, it was NOT YOUR FAULT! Your writing ability is very good, so many of your words are so important – ” I did not want to disappoint” ” He knew..” Yeah, he knew! And you are so nice and wonderful this criminal knew he could take advantage! You are very brave to tell your story, you are a HERO! Here are 2 numbers where they know about this subject and talk to people 1 800 656 HOPE 4673 and 1800 799 7233
I was raped at 17. I was at a party and I was really drunk then my boyfriend was talking to his friends and then they came over to me and started teasing me, then they all started ripping off my clothes and they raped me and all I could do is wait for them to finish. U guys r the first ppl to read this and i haven’t told anyone for 2 years someone please help me I don’t know what to do
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story. The fact that you kept saying no shows what a strong spirit you have; that you stopped shows your determination to survive and get through what happened. Talking about a rape is so hard because there are never just facts; there are emotions attached to every action we talk about. Even when we pretend that we are just stating facts… those facts still hurt. I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist about what you’re feeling and what happened. They can help show you what a strong person you are and help remind you that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Either time! They can also help you talk about it in a way that’s healing and that is meaningful for YOU. Because in the end, it’s your story and no one else’s. Sending you lots of love and support, Alexis
Dear survivor,
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that because you have, others will not be so afraid to. I know it had to have been hard, but thank you so much, and I want you to know that we are all cheering for you, and you are going to be ok.