To describe this experience in words is probably one of the hardest things someone could ask of me. How am I suppose to describe to people what I felt and make them understand it when I don’t even know that for myself. With that being said I will state the facts and tell what happened. I will do my best to describe my feelings but I’m in no way expecting anyone to understand because every victim goes through different experiences though our feelings may be similar they are still unique to the person and the story.
Fact: I was raped by the same guy multiple times.
The first time
He took me on date to eat at taco casa and then asked me to come watch a movie with him at his home. When we got there his parents were gone and we were on the living room couch. He began to kiss me and things quickly escalated. I didn’t want to have sex with him he knew I wanted to wait until I knew we both loved each other. I guess I led him on, I enjoyed kissing him. I was terrified to tell him no because I didn’t want to disappoint him or hurt his feelings. I tried to push him away and asked to slow it down but he continued. He pulled down my shorts and underwear and unzipped his pants and forced himself inside of me. At the time I had already lost my virginity but it was still painful and caused me to bleed a lot. After he was done I quickly went to the bathroom to calm my self down and then I left his house to meet a friend and we went to a party I got drunk and tried to forget everything.
The second time
I was urged to go to a party with my friend that I had no interest in being at. I was afraid he would make an appearance so I didn’t plan on drinking. I tried to go stay at another friends house but he wouldn’t let me. I got upset and said fuck it so I started drinking. He showed up at the party and I was frantic I knew I was in trouble because I was drunk and he knew I was drunk. My best friend who forced me to go with her to the party got caught and her parents made her go home. I was left alone at a party with people I barely knew and my rapist. No one would come get me and I knew he was going to try to rape me again. I was terrified and frantically calling everyone I could to get me and no one would.
A girl promised to stay with me and but she left me. I found myself sitting alone on the couch with him and I was terrified. I got up went to the kitchen and a guy named Spencer took me upstairs to a bed and told me I needed to sleep. He sat with me until I calmed down and he left so I could sleep. I fell asleep.
I woke up to the guy who had already raped me rubbing my back and petting my hair. It wasn’t alarming in any way and actually seemed sweet. He laid down next to me and started slowly fooling with my bra. This led to him throwing the blankets off me and him climbing on top of me. He ripped off my clothes got up to lock the door and undressed himself. He split my legs apart climbed back on top of me and I begged him to stop I kicked I tried to scream but he covered my mouth and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought if I kept saying no that it would haunt him and he would just stop but I was just fooling myself. He forced himself inside of me. I shortly gave up and just laid there and stared at the wall waiting for him to finish. When he finished he got up dressed himself and left the room. I couldn’t move my body an inch. I thought I was dead and I was hoping that I was. I waited until I saw the sun light shine through the window and hit the wall, I finally left and went home.
— Survivor, age 18