Being that I’m much older now I realize all the things that I went through in the past we’re wrong. When I was a child between ages of 5-7 (maybe even before) I was being molested by my older brother who was 4 years older than me. I remember when it first started with him wanting to come into my room and he would make me lay on the floor face down as he slowly humped me for a while. I was confused at the time but never dared tell my parents, I was so young that I didn’t even realize it was something wrong. This became more and more often for my brother as he would call me into his room but soon he started to do more. He would take out his penis right in front of me and force me to take off my clothes so he could rub on me somehow.
At this moment, I became frustrated/scared and even said if he did it again I would tell our mother (even though I never was) but that never stopped him. The worst of them all was he actually tried to put his penis in my mouth or rub him down there raw. I was so traumatized by this moment that by the fourth time he try to attempt for me to do it I cried. With my mother rushing to the bed room and brother trying to get out, I made up a simple lie for my crying.
Till than my brother would forever take his anger out on me, saying he was gonna hurt me, maybe even kill. While my mother wouldn’t look he would punch me on my legs or shoulders. When we got a little older my brother was diagnose with bipolar disease but even so after all the therapy he took, my sexual abuse was never told. Even though we are much older and never speak of the topic, it goes through my mind almost every single day. I’m almost 18 now and for over 15 years I’ve been holding this truth.
And unfortunate to say, I was sexually assaulted again by my boyfriend at the time 2 years ago when he had persuade me to have oral sex with him. (And yes persuading a person for sexual desire is a form of sexual harassment/assault). He put me down a cold metal vent of some sort and gave me oral sex, forcing me to get completely naked cold outside. Yet I still “loved him” and came back, I was manipulated. Till the last day I had saw him as he pushed me hard into the outside sidewalk ground saying I was “disgusting” and I should “get out of his face”. I cried the whole way home. Few years after that even I actually I try to explain to on of my closest friends what happen but he didn’t believe me.
Still to this day my stories have never been told as I always told myself I would get stronger and get over it, but it’s been months and I’m still bleeding.
Sexual trauma comes in many forms. Your story speaks to this and then ways that it can impact your life. When you try to speak out and you are not believed it can be confusing and very angering. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen to you and it doesn’t mean your story isn’t worth telling. The Brave Miss World community is here. We will listen and we believe you. I personally believe that holding it all in makes it harder to heal. RAINN.org has fantastic resources if you are in need. Whether or not you go there, know that you can come here. You can get through this, even if it doesn’t seem possible. Healing is possible!!!
Thank you for sharing you story here. I hope it helps you to begin to heal.
Glad you know that what your brother did was still a form of sexual assault. I went thru the same thing with two of my cousins but like you said being so young you don’t realize that what is happening is wrong. I’m glad that you are on your healing journey. As for you ex boyfriend, I can relate to this as well. We overlook all of the wrong that is being done, (I believe because we tend to think “how could someone we are in a relationship with and love so much do harmful things to us”) which makes it hard to see how unhealthy the relationship actually is. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.