Two times i have been assaulted .
One time by someone i didnt knew and one time by someone who i thought he liked me.
Was 14 when a stranger molested me. I lost myself completely I was afraid of every man But on the other hand i wanted their attention so bad .
Later i realized that i was
subconsciously trying to overcome my fear . I hated my body an all my relationships fell apart .
It cant be true right ? It was in my mind . I am overreacting . Years of denial till it happend again .
Was 17 when a boy asked to date me . I said no . He said he respected that .One day he was seating behing me and he went to get up Doing that he actually pushed his knee into my anus I was in pain .
I was devasted because i let it happen again .Why ? Why me ? Whe me again ? What was that ? Was it assault ? Was it nothing ?
For one more time I lost respect for myself and all the men in the world .
Now 19 and everytime someone touches me near that area even by accident I cant breathe .Wa it an accident or not ? I make bad thoughts and i am disguisted .I feel like its happening all over again .I am dirty .I am afraid that its going to happen to someone that i love . I cant move on .
Sometimes I feel so confident that yes what happened to me is real and its important and i have the right to feel like this and other times when i read stories worst that mine i feel like a dramatic little girl and i dont have the right to be sad . Nothing really happened to me Right ?
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You’re not dirty. And you’re not being dramatic. Being sexually assaulted is horrible and you have every right and reason to feel this way. Don’t call what happened to you “nothing”. It was something, and it was important. It shouldn’t be ignored. Realize and understand that, that will help you move on. Also, you should really get professional help and tell people about this , it will help a lot. You deserve to be heard.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You did NOT let anything happen to you and you are not dirty or dramatic. You have the right to feel HOWEVER you feel and – in my opinion – there’s no such thing as “better” or “worse”. Someone touching you without your permission is a violation and your body and your emotions will respond to that as they need to.
I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what happened to you. They can help you work through what you’re feeling and how to calm yourself when someone touches you by accident (that is, when it would be appropriate to be calm – I hope that makes sense). They can help you move on and deal with your fears. It is really scary to think that it can happen to someone you love. I think about that a lot. For me, I always think to myself that the best way I can help them if it does is to be as healed as I can be so that I can love them and be there for them, all while hoping it never happens. Sending you lots of love, Alexis
Dear Survivor
You are good and kind – NOT NOT dirty or disgusting. I love that you used the word CONFIDENT and OVERCOMING FEAR – it shows how brave you are. You did not deserve what happened – you do deserve respect and you have that and more from all of us here. There are no comparisons in sexual assault. Every survivors story is important,valid and SOMETHING , never nothing.You are more than just something you are everything! Try – if you feel like to talk to someone , if you find the right counselor, it’s gold. Why did he do it? No good reason, and no reason related to you, these abusers are predators and criminals, what they do is premeditated – on purpose, you are NOT at fault at all. Stay confident and heal at your own pace – nothing you feel or do is wrong. We support you! Stay strong.