I was living in a university dorm. I was 18. I had had too much to drink and my older next door neighbor had said that he would help me as I had cut my hand on glass. He took me into his room. He started to kiss me and take off my pants. I didn’t want to do anything with him so I rolled onto my stomach. All I wanted to do was sleep and be left alone. Even though I have very foggy memories of that night that is how I know he raped me. I didn’t want to. I thought he would leave me alone if I was on my stomach. I didn’t say no but I was too out of it to consent or fight back. Instead he had sex with me from behind. I was half conscious. I felt sick. After he was done he put me to sleep in someone else’s room and assured me he wouldn’t tell anyone. When I woke up I felt disgusting. Every time I would see him I would feel sick. I found out later that he had done the same thing to another girl, and has probably done it time and again to so many other women.
For years I tried to deal with it myself until it became too heavy. In a way he was in the room every time I would have sex with my boyfriend. His shadow was always there. Even now, 22 years on and after counseling, it is there. I doubted for a while if it was rape, but now I know. It still makes me cry. Especially now with so many women coming forward, it is there. It all comes to the surface.
— Survivor, age 40
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. I think it’s very common for stories and emotions to come to the surface. Please know that you are not alone in that and if you read through the stories here, you’ll probably see some that resonate with you. It might be worth trying counseling again. With all of what has been buried for so long, it could have a different impact. Please know I am with you and I’m proud of you for moving forward with your life and your voice is helping this movement move forward. Love, Alexis
Every woman deserves to have their story heard and the right to tell it and write about it even if it’s within the family, friends or strangers and happened over and over. I’m right now listing the rapes in my life and I’m 62. So far the off the top of my head rapes are up to 22 and as I read these women’s stories and also write about all of mine so many more come to my mind. We’re not allowed or it’s frowned upon to bash all men though women who have been abused, assaulted and raped would rather bash them all. I do believe some parents are to blame for not disciplining boys as they’re growing up. Many parents blow off signs of perversion when the boy is little. If it’s within the family you’ll find that some family will take up for the man no matter and you’ll be labeled a whore and told that you enticed them.