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We Live Part of Hell on Earth

I grew up believing that the world is a very dangerous place and i thought that after my first trauma, i would never have to deal with a similar event.
When i was 6 years old, my grandfather molested me several times.
it may have lasted for about a year or 2. He molested me when we were alone and when the family was together. My family never noticed anything and I never acted as though something was wrong because I did not understand fully what was going on. The first time it happened, i remember playing with this toy that when it was pulled back and released, it would roll really far.. it rolled under the couch where my grandfather was sitting. i went under the couch to get it and with his foot, he was massaging my private parts. as the weeks past, i found myself rolling that toy on purpose to find myself under the couch. He then started touching my private parts with his hands and he ordered me to not ever tell anyone. When i threatened him that i would tell my mother, he punched me in the stomach several times. He is a schizophrenic and at the time, he was not taking his pills. According to my mother, I told her once that he showed me his private parts and she didn’t know how to act, to ld nobody and never brought me for help.
I had forgotten all about this mess.
At the age of 12, i watched this movie where a young girl was being raped by her stepfather.. the memory came back and i fell into a depression.. I told my family what happened and nobody did anything..
i don’t even think anyone believes me except for my parents.
my aunt denied me and told me that it must have been my father… i knew very well who it was and i strayed away from my entire family.
At the age of 13, 8 men over the age of 20, some even 28 years old, raped me in different ways. They were a gang… gang rape, individual rape, oral rape… it was violent.. I said yes to some and no to others but the result was the same..
even if i said yes to some of them.. out of fear of what they claimed they would do to my family, a 13 year old cannot make that decision for herself.. they knew what they were doing and they took advantage…. my best friend at the time went through this with me… they trafficked us among the 8 men… at least thats what the police said and thats exactly what it looked like, and felt like.. i know this because when a virgin is being told that a man would take care of her, and next thing see is drugs being exchanged.. trafficking seems to fit that picture.
it lasted for about 3 -4 months..
my best friend was told to hold my hands down and to kiss me so that i don’t scream while the leader was raping me. i felt so betrayed, lonely, scared and even numb.
when the men would pull out of me, i felt like they took pieces of me with them.
i went to the police and filed the report with my friend.
6 were put in jail for a year
1 was put in jail for 3years
the leader was put in jail for 5 plus 2 years for possession of weapons, drugs
child pornography (me) and such.
47 charges and thats all they got.
I am 20 years old now and they are all out of jail expect for the leader.. he is suppose to come out in july.. i fear that moment because his parents live a street away from me… i feel crumbled into pieces and i rather stay home this summer instead of looking for a job…
Several exes of mine raped me once they found out what happened to me.. its like my whole life has been based on sexual assault..
its hard to type all the pain I felt since I was a child but let me tell you, i am stronger than most and I have this experience that shaped me into a woman with a head on her shoulders.
I plan on working with women and children who have been through this hell when I finish school because the only people who can help are those who truly understand.

1 comment

  • Dertysmit


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