It was a few years ago, while I was 22, a few weeks before summer vacation. I was working an internship in the field. With protective gear similar to those of construction workers, I didn’t exactly look girly at all. I was traveling home by train for the weekend. After a week working, I was exhausted and dozed off a bit. No one was sitting next to me and the train was very quiet.
I had fallen asleep for maybe 10 to 15 minutes, when I woke up by a touch. I woke up but didn’t open my eyes. Someone touched my knee. At first I thought it was accidental but then it happened again and this time the hand softly stroked my knee and upper leg. I was a bit scared, but I did not open my eyes. I did not move, I didn’t do anything. I have been assaulted and raped one time before, and each time I struggled at that time, I got hit so hard. That time I did fight, but this time all I could think was “please don’t get mad”, or how I didn’t want to make a scene. That concerned me even more then the touching itself. He stroked my leg, slowly moved up and stopped between my legs. He could not open my pants without ‘waking me up’, so he continued with what he was doing. A few minutes later the next train stop was announced and people stood up. He stopped and got up. I could finally open my eyes again but never got a good look at him, I just saw him stepping out of the train without looking back.
I was left completely confused and frustrated. I’m angry at myself, I don’t understand it. The thought that I cared more about someone getting angry or making a scene than the inappropriate touching frightened me. I wasn’t nearly as afraid as the first time when I fought, yet this time I froze. What would happen if I froze again in the future? I did not want trouble, I did not want any confrontation or conversation. I just pretend it didn’t happen. But I can’t seem to just let it go that easily just because I did. It’s not like I was physically hurt, only mentally destroyed, by myself. I really have no self-respect left after this.
— Echo, age 25
The responses we have are fight, flight, freeze, or appease. It was not your fault. It was all on him. Your body goes into a protective state during trauma, and responds in a way to give you better odds for survival.
Echo the first time I was assaulted I blamed myself too, I was ashamed at myself for not fighting back even though I had no reason to be scared to fight back. But you need to know you can’t blame yourself for freezing as this is a natural protective instinct, the only person to blame is the man that did this to you. NO ONE has the right to your body no matter the circumstance, and whether it will get better or not I can’t say, because, I honestly myself don’t know whether it does get better from here on or not. I know it hasn’t for me. But make sure to talk to supportive friends that will encourage you and make you feel safe, I know that helps. 🙂
I hope you get your self respect back because it wasn’t your fault for not making a scene, it was theirs for touching you. You’ve done nothing wrong because you were minding your own business and keeping your hands to yourself. You deserve respect and just because someone doesn’t give it to you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it to yourself either. You should consider seeing a counselor or therapist about this and the time you were raped before. You deserve to heal from this….please let yourself do that. Get your power back. I know you can.
Dear Echo – thank you so much for posting your story here. Freezing is actually a very common response to being assaulted. I’m not an expert but it doesn’t surprise me that you froze based on your previous experience. I’m saying this because your body learned that the way to stay “safe” was not to fight, so it used that knowledge to try to protect you on the train by freezing. That does NOT make you weak. Pretending it didn’t happen can help you cope short term but honestly is rarely (if ever) effective as a long term coping mechanism or a method for healing. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about your experience. They can help you work through what happened and what you’re feeling toward yourself. Because I have lots of respect for you and am grateful for you and your story. Sending you lots of love and support, Alexis
Dear Echo-
All the knowledgeable posters are very right, I may not be able to add anything new but to reiterate-you deserve self respect because of how good you are in your heart, and how brave you are to tell your story to help other survivors. Also how smart you were to keep yourself safe. You are wonderful and strong- we believe in you. Sending you good thoughts <3