When I was about 6, my 12-year-old brother ordered me to take off my pants, and proceeded to rape me. Of course, I didn’t know what he was doing, I just had to obey him.
He had me have intercourse fairly regularly, even just taking me to his room when our parents were home. I would often expect it when I got home from school, or if he got home from a date having not “Gotten Some.”
Later, I found out what sexual intercourse was, but it never occurred to me that I could stop it by telling someone. It was just easier on me to spend a few minutes letting him do it, and then I was free.
It continued until he was 19, and I was 13. Not that he stopped, he had gotten in trouble for breaking into a place, and the Police searched his room. Not only recovering stolen items, he had recorded All of our sessions together, and had hundreds more with other girls. They charged him with Statutory Rape, and Producing and Possession of Child Pornography. I did not Testify against him, but it didn’t matter with the recordings.
He can’t do it anymore, and not for at least another 10 years or so. I do not visit him. I guess that being that it started so young, that it doesn’t effect me as deeply as some, though I must admit that when a date first asked me for sex, I just kind of let him, and a number of others subsequently, though I have been accused of just lying there if I wasn’t excited about it!
Thank you, BMW for listening to people!
Bless you too!
— Ivy, age 21
Ivy, you are such a good person, you want to help people and make them comfortable. You never ever have to do anything physical ever unless you want it. I hope you will find a person/therapist to talk to about your feelings. A very normal thing that happens to girls who have this happen to them – rape- is that it can delay or harm their wishes for a sexual relationship. “just lying there” was your very real coping mechanism to defend yourself. Your brother I am sorry to say is a dangerous criminal and he may have harmed you if you fought back. ideally sex should be a gift of expressing love between you and a good person who would never coerce you. Many girls who have been attacked have to work very hard to get to that place. Please try to find a therapist to help guide you thru your feelings – you were just a child! You did not deserve that and it is not your fault! Bless you and may all good things happen to you from now on!
Dear Ivy – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What happened to you was not your fault; you were so young and even though now it might feel like you could have stopped what happened by saying something but it’s never that obvious as a kid.
As far as sex now, it makes sense that it’s not really something you’re actively seeking out. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist to work through how you feel about it. Be it that you’re not interested or that you want to connect with it. Whatever is best for you is totally ok but part of healing is taking back your control. And as far as how it effects you, it probably effects you *differently* than others, but not any more or less deeply. A therapist can help you work through all of those emotions and how it effected you and how to move forward. I believe in you and I know you can do this – because you deserve it. Lots of love, Alexis